Teacher's Pet

Buffy: You hurt your hand! Will you still be able to...
Xander: ...finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before?

Buffy: You're drooling.... Xander! You've got a little...

Buffy: Well, that fire, I mean, there was major extenuating circumstances. Actually, it's uh, kinda funny!
Dr. Gregory: Can't wait to see what you're gonna do here.
Buffy: Destructo Girl, that's me.
Dr. Gregory: But I suspect it's gonna be great.
Buffy: You mean, 'great' in a bad way?
Dr. Gregory: You have a first-rate mind and you can think on your feet. Imagine what you could accomplish if you actually did the...
Buffy: ...the homework thing.

Dr. Gregory: Don't be sorry, be smart. And please don't listen to the principal or anyone else's negative opinion about you. Let's make em eat that permanent record. Whadata say?

Blayne Girls really gotta have something to go with me.
Xander: Something like a lobotomy?

Willow: That must be Angel! I think?
Xander: That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?
Willow: That's him, I'll bet you.
Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Willow: You think he's buff?
Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?

Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.
Angel: I won't be long.
Buffy: No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and then disappear into the night. Right?

Angel: I didn't pay attention.
Buffy: To somebody with a big fork?
Angel: He's coming.
Buffy: The Fork Guy?
Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic!
Angel: I have to go.
Buffy: Sweet dreams to you, too.

Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life.

Xander: It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Natalie: The praying mantis is a fascinating creature. Forced to live alone. Who can tell me why? Buffy?
Buffy: Well, the words, 'bug-ugly' kinda spring to mind.

Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be stil, my heart.
Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.

Xander: You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man.
Buffy: Oh, I understand.
Xander: Good!
Buffy: The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements!
Xander: What surgical improvements?
Willow: Well, he is young.
Buffy: And so terribly innocent!
Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't laugh at those who... can do.

Cordelia: His head! His head! Oh, my God, where's his head?!

Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but... where did they put his head?
Willow: Good point. I didn't wanna hear that.

Xander: So there is somthing else out there? Besides Silverwareman? Oh, this is fun, we're on monster island.
Buffy: We're on a Hellmouth. It's a center of mystical convergence. Guess it's the same thing.

Giles: You went hunting last night.
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: When you assured me you wouldn't.
Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on.

Buffy: And I saw something else. Something much more interesting than your average run-of-the-mill killer vampire.

Giles: Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a, a common, extremely well proportioned way.

Buffy: So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand... How many things am I afraid of?
Giles: Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule.

Flutie: Don't say dead! Or decapitated, or decomposing, I'd stay away from D-words altogether.

Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug... but not a real hug! Because there's not touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.

Cordelia: I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!

Buffy: No, I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full-on Exorcist twist.
Willow: Ouch!

Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well actually, its Lavelle and I'd appreciate if you guard that secret with your life.

Willow: Well, Miss French is sort of big. For a bug?
Giles: And she is, by and large, woman shaped.
Buffy: Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A pretty wacked out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her fashion sense screams predator.
Willow: It's the shoulder pads.
Buffy: Exactly.

Willow: He's got a crush on a giant insect!

Giles: Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one, one assumes it is entirely legal?
Willow: Entirely!
Buffy: Of course!
Giles: Right. Wasn't here. didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.

Xander: She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of girlie name is 'Angel' anyway?
Buffy: What does that have to do with...
Xander: Nothing! It just kinda bugs me.

Xander: No, no, it's the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen.

Natalie: I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous around you. You're probably cool as a cucumber!
Xander: I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting Schwarma, of course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat hive.

Xander: Buffy. I love Buffy. Wow! So that's a martini, huh?

Xander: Your hands are sss... really... serrated!

Buffy: It's the way the feed, head first. It's also the way they mate. The female bites off the male's head while they're...
Willow: No, no, no! See? Xander's, I like his head! I-it's where you find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile...

Giles: Uh, absolutely, i-i-it sounds exactly like the creature you described. Y-you were right all along about everything. Well, n-no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a pekinese, but... uh... Try to rest, old man. Yes... Ta! Bye now!

Buffy: Giles, while we're young!
Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh... I mean, he's probably...
Willow: ...gonna die!

Buffy: Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around.
Giles: Yes, in a straightjacket, howling his innards out day and night.
Buffy: Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops!

Giles: Recording bat sonar is something aking to having one's teeth drilled.

Willow: What do we do now?
Giles: Abject prayer and supplication would spring to mind.

Xander: Can I just say one thing? HEEELLLLPPPP!!!! HEEELLLLPPPP!!!!

Buffy: Rememer Dr. Gregory? You scarfed his head? Yeah, well, he taught me, you do your homework, you learn stuff. Like what happens to your nervous systen when you hear this!
Giles' voice on tape: ...extremely important to file not simply alphabetically...
Buffy: Giles!
Giles: I-it's the wrong side!

Giles: Well, I...I'd say it's deceased.
Willow: And dissected.

Xander: Just for the record, you were right. I'm an idiot, and God bless you!

Xander: Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day!

Buffy: Course, it would make things easier if I knew how to get in touch with you.
Angel: I'll be around.
Buffy: Or who you were?... Well... Anyway, you can have your jacket back.
Angel: It looks better on you.
Buffy: Oh boy!

Episode Guide: Teacher's Pet

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- - last updated: 1-1-03 - -