Puppet Show
Buffy: The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment?
Giles: Our new Fuehrer, Mr. Snyder.
Willow: I think they call 'em principals now.
Giles: Mm. He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but, uh, he would have none of it.
Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
Buffy: I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch!
Xander: And mock!
Willow: And laugh!
Buffy: O-kay. I think maybe we better leave our Mr. Giles to this business he calls a show.
Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.
Xander: Can I just mention, that detention is a time-honored form of punishment?
Buffy: Ewww, dummy!
Xander: Dyow! Mime!
Willow: I think dummies are cute. You don't?
Buffy: Uuuhhh. They give me the wig. Ever since I was little.
Willow: What happened?
Buffy: I saw a dummy. It gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there.
Marc: I reach into the hat, and out... comes... Has anybody seen a rabbit?
Xander: I, I can't! I have my pride! Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this!
Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, 'discipline'. I know Principal Flutie would have said, 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.' That's the kind of wolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
Giles: I, I think perhaps it was a little more complex than, um...
Snyder: This place has quite a reputation. Suicide, missing persons, spontaneous cheerleader combustion... You can't put up with that.
Snyder: Kids. I don't like them.
Buffy: Does that mean anything to you? Besides... ooooooo?
Giles: A demon is a creature of evil, pure and very simple. A person driven to kill is, is, um, it's more complex.
Willow: The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me!... It's not though.
Cordelia: It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was, like, my best friend.
Xander: Emily.
Cordelia: All I can think is, it coulda been me.
Xander: We can dream!
Morgan: She was dancing... Sid and I were talking.
Xander: We don't slay him, right? We wanna bring him to justice.
Willow: We could set up a complex sting operation where we get him to confess!
Xander: Uh, I should wear a wire!
Buffy: Uh, priority check, Giles?... Talent show, murder.
Xander: Can I still wear a wire?
Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: student's loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking.
Buffy: Well, I don't do any of those things. Not... ever.
Joyce: Hi, hon. How's it, uh, going with the talent show?
Buffy: It'll be over soon.
Joyce: It can't be that bad! I, for one, am looking forward to seeing your act.
Buffy: Seeing? I-in the sense of actually attending?
Joyce: Of course!
Buffy: Uh-uh! No, Mom, y-y-you can't! And, I mean, if I know you're out there watching, I'll freeze up, stage fright."
Joyce: But I wanna support what you're doing!
Buffy: Look, Mom, if you really love me, and wanna show your support, you'll stay away. Far away.
Marc: And my lovely assistant steps into the box... And... behold!... You were supposed to leave!
Cordelia: Uhhh, what?
Giles: Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh...
Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair?... Ohmigod!
Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.
Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, cause that's how stupid I feel saying this...
Cordelia: Looks like someone digs you. That's adorable. You and the dummy could tour in the freak show!
Xander: Hi, Buffy! Hi, Willow! Would you like to hear some off-color jokes?
Buffy: I'll go find Morgan. You watch the dummy.
Xander: Bye-bye, now. I'm completely inanimate... Redrum! Redrum!
Willow: What do we do with him?
Willow: Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog.
Buffy: Who's ever out there, I'm gonna hurt you! Badly! If you'll just give me a minute...
Giles: I must say, it's a welcome change to have someone else explain all these things.
Cordelia: I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy! What if I mess up?
Giles: Cordelia, there, uh, there-there's, uh, uh, an adage, uh, that, uh, if you're feeling nervous then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience in their underwear.
Cordelia: Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin? Uhhh!
Giles: Perhaps not.
Cordelia: Yeah.
Xander: So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anyone else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?
Xander: Brain cancer?
Willow: That's why he had all the headaches.
Buffy: This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
Xander: In other words, I'm safe!
Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me?
Xander: What's the square root of 841?
Willow: 29. Oh, yeah.
Giles: Sh-sh-shouldn't it be aimed at my neck?
Marc: No. No, this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just... come pouring out.
Giles: What exactly is the trick?
Marc: Trick?
Giles: Uh... I must say, all of you... Your t-timing is impeccable.
Snyder: I don't get it. What is it? Avant-garde?
Xander: Darkness! And horror of darkness. Unfolding, restless, visitant, sped by an ill wind in haste... Madness, and... madness, a-and stabbing pain, and, a-and, uh... oh... oh... memory of, uh, i-ill deeds I have done.