Xander: Who was the real power? The Captain, or Tennille?
Buffy: Ummm... Who are these people?
Xander: The Captain and Tennille? Boy, somebody was raised in a culture-free environment!
Buffy: I'm sorry. I was just...
Willow: Thinking?
Buffy: No, not thinking. Having a lot of happy non-thoughts.

Xander: Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been ridin' the mellow, and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that.
Buffy: Yeah, but we'll let you off this time.

Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.
Buffy: Getting better.
Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
Buffy: Xander...

Joyce: You weren't supposed to see that.

Xander: Oh, that's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy. Can I just say, this is the finest pizza ever on God's green Earth. What is your secret?
Ted: Well, after you bake it, you fry it in herbs and olive oil, but you gotta use a cast-iron skillet. No room for compromise there.
Xander: Y'know, you should market these things. I mean, you can get two, three hundred bucks apiece!

Buffy: Any others?
Giles: Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not.
Buffy: What? I kill vampires, that's my job.
Giles: Well, true, true, although you don't usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand. Everything alright?

Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini pizzas, and everyone's like, 'I like your mini-pizzas,' but I'm telling you, I am...
Giles: Uh, uh, Buffy. I believe the... subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, uh, text.

Buffy: If you say one more word, things will become dire.
Xander: Did you even bother to taste em? Nooo! Well, I did, and I'm here to tell ya those mini pizzas have changed my life! Ted is teh master chef!
Buffy: Fine! So he's a good cook. Well, what does that really tell you about a person?
Xander: Everything.

Buffy: I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown.
Willow: He's a clean clown! I have my own fun.

Xander: Having issues much?
Buffy: I am not!
Xander: You're having parental issues, you're having parental issues.
Willow: Xander...
Xander: What? Freud would've said the exact same thing. Except he might not have done that little dance.

Ted: I'm makng a picnic basket.
Xander: With mini pizzas?
Ted: And cookies!

Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.

Xander: Ah, the dreaded five par cuckoo clock. Ha! So many have come, so few have conqured.

Buffy: Hey, how bout that! Got a hole in two!
Ted: Beg to differ.
Buffy: Okay, so fine my score or whatever.
Ted: I think you're missing the point here, little lady. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that?
Buffy: It's just a game?
Ted: Right, it's just a game, do your own thing, well, I'm not wired that way. And I am here to tell you it is not a game! It does count, and I don't stand for that kind of malarky in my house!
Buffy: Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not in your house.
Ted: Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours? Who's up for desert? I made chocloate-chip cookies!

Xander: Can you say 'overreaction'?
Buffy: Can you say 'sucking chest wound'?

Xander: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.
Cordelia: Oh, very funny.
Xander: Not really.
Cordelia: What are you saying?
Xander: Nice outfit?
Cordelia: Well, why don't you keep your mouth shut!
Xander: Would you guys excuse me for a sec?
Willow: What's up with them?

Xander: Look, I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your friedns, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?
Cordelia: God, is that all you ever think about? Okay.

Buffy: And Mom's been totally different since he's around.
Willow: Different, like happy?
Buffy: Like Stepford. Will you help me?

Ted: Now, Joycie, let me handle this. Buffy, your mother and I are taking it one step at a time. And if things go the way I hope, maybe someday soon i just might ask her to tie the knot. How would you feel about that? It's okay to have feelings, Buffy, and it's okay to express them.
Buffy: I'd feel like killing myself.

Buffy: It's none of your buisness.
Ted: Beg to differ, little lady. Everything you do is nothing but my business from now on.
Buffy: I think you better get out of here. Now!
Ted: Or what? You'll slay me? I'm real. I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary. Psychiatrists have a word for something like this: delusional. So, from now on, you'll do what I say, when I say, or I show this to your mother, and you'll spend your best dating years behind the wall of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be happy. You're not going to stand in the way. Sleep tight!
Buffy: That's mine, and you are not leaving this room with it!
Ted: Take your hand off me.
Buffy: No.
*slaps her hard, almost punching her*
Buffy: Ohhh! I was so hoping you'd do that.

Joyce: You killed him!

Xander: What was he? A-a demon? A giant but? Some kind of dark god with the secrets of novelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature feature here, right? Oh man!

Xander: Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him... Earlier this week.
Cordelia: I thought you liked him.
Xander: I sometimes like things that are not good for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.
Willow: We've gotta prove that somehow. Xander, do you have a pen?
Xander: If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I'm gonna lose it. He's gotta be in there, Will. Uh, history of domestic violence, a criminal record? Ooo! Cookies!
Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...
Xander: What, a license to kill?
Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Willow: Sure in a fascist society.
Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?

Xander: Don't sweat it. It'll be fine.
Willow: Don't sweat it?
Xander: Yeah, cute buddy! We'll work it out! No worries!
Willow: What happened to 'this is killing me'?
Xander: Worrying isn't going to solve any problems.

Willow: Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love.
Xander: What is it then?
Willow: I'm not positive, but I think it's Dematorin. It's like a tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with Ecstasy.
Xander: This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! Well, that the cookies talking, but you rock!

Giles: Ah!
Jenny: Yeah, I get that reaction from men all the time.

Buffy: You died.
Ted: That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?
Buffy: What are you?
Ted: I'm a salesman! That's what you should've remembered. No matter how you put him down... a good salesman always bounces back!

Ted: That wasn't playing fair, missy! You're gonna find... Hell of a day! Makes you feel like you're eighteen again!... that I don't like being disobeyed! Don't worry about me and your mother. We're gonna be very happy!

Xander: Check for cookies. For evidence!

Xander: Something's missing here. This doesn't seem like Ted at all.
Cordelia: Yeah, and this rug? It doesn't go with the rest of the decor.

Cordelia: Feels like home. If it's the fifties and you're a psycho.
Xander: Whatcha got in the closet, Ted? Let's go.
Cordelia: But we need evidence!
Xander: We got it.
Willow: What's in there?
Xander: His first four wives.

Joyce: Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy first. Before she sees you, cause I'm sure she's...
Ted: Do we have to worry about Buffy right now? How about worrying about Teddy? He's the one who died!
Joyce: I-I-I'm, I'm sorry, I just... I... I-I don't know what to do!
Ted: Don't I always tell you what to do? I'm going to make things right. Then you and I... Want a little gravy with that?... can go away where no one will bother us again.
Joyce: Ted, I, I think you might wanna rest for awhile.
Ted: I think you might wanna stop telling me what to do! I don't take orders from women! I'm not wired that way!

Jenny: Oh, God, I am so sorry!
Giles: I think I'm alright.
Jenny: No, you're just in shock.
Giles: No, no, really, I, uh, I don't think it went in too deep. The... advantages of layers of tweed. Better than kevlar.

Ted: You're going to love the house. It's furnished just the way you like it. I spent a lot of... telling me what to do!... time decorating.
Joyce: Well, then I'd, I'd probably better go pack.
Ted: I already have your clothes. They're your size, they're always your size. You left me once, but I keep bringing you back. Husband and wife is forever. Forever.

Ted: Buffy? How about a nice game of Parcheesi?

Buffy: I wouldn't worry. He's not coming back.
Joyce: I wish I could be so sure.
Buffy: Trust me, he's on the scrap heap. Of life.

Xander: So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker'o'love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
Willow: The sad part is that the real Ted must've been a genius. There were design features in that robot that pre-date...
Buffy: Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
Willow: Not any big ones.
Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Episode Guide: Ted

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- - last updated: 3-17-02 - -