Bewitched, Bothered, & Bewildered

Xander: Okay, big yuks. When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry. But never. I just think you could find somebody more... better.
Xander: Uh, parrallel universe, maybe. Here the only other person I'm interested in is, um... unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much, and yesterday we just sat together, not even speaking. You know, just, uh, enjoying comfortable silence. Man, that was dull.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander: Well, you're obvioulsy not dating Cordelia.

Harmony: Well, a girl wants to look good for her geek.

Xander: Ha, ha, ha. This time I'm ready for you. No 'F' for Xander today. No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D-minus.

Buffy: Go ahead. You know you wanna say it.
Willow: My boyfriend's in the band!
Amy: Cool.
Buffy: I think you've now told everybody.
Willow: Only in this hemisphere.

Amy: Bad breakup, huh?
Buffy: Believe me when I say, 'uh-huh'.

Willow: I just hate to think of you solo on Valentine's Day.
Buffy: I'll be fine. Mom and I are gonna have a pig-out and vid fest. It's a time-honored tradition among the loveless.

Giles: Buffy! Buffy... Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence, even.

Giles: Better safe than sorry.
Buffy: It's a little late for both.

Angelus: I knew you'd like it. I found it in a quaint little shopgirl.

Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?

Willow: Oz has his cool hair today. I think I'm a groupie!

Cordelia: Your clothes... You look so good.
Xander: Oh. I let Buffy dress me. Well, not physically.

Xander: I've been thinking a lot about us lately... the why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice, a kissy here, a kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. A-and maybe that's all we have here. Tawdry teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special inside me. And vice versa. I mean, I think I do. See something. So...
Cordlia: Xander... Thank you. It's beautiful. I want to break up.
Xander: Okay, not quite the reaction I was looking for.

Jack: Dude. Way to get dumped.

Amy: Oh, I don't know, Xander. Intent has to be pure with love spells.
Xander: Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow.

Xander: Is this love? Cause maybe on you it doesn't look that different.
Cordelia: What are you doing? Are you going, like, stalker-boy on me now?

Xander: I have a plan: we use me as bait.
Buffy: You mean make Angel come after you?
Xander: No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at cause it would be more fun than my life.

Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? Cause I find that very comforting.
Buffy: Play your cards right...
Xander: Okay, uh... you do know that I'm Xander right?
Buffy: I don't know, I just... heard that you and Cordy broke up, and I guess I was just surprised how glad I was. It's funny... how you can see someone every day but not really see them. You know?
Xander: Yeah, it's funny. And it's just getting funnier.

Xander: Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. You know what? It was wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now. I think we've all grown. I gotta go.

Amy: Well, I liked spending time with you. You're so sweet. You know, it's funny how you can... you can see a person every day and...
Xander: Not really see them.

Willow: How long have we been friends?
Xander: A long, long time. Too long to do anything that might change that now.
Willow: Well, friendships change all the time. People grow apart. They grow closer.
Xander: Uh, this is good! How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact, I can even back up a few paces and still be happy. See?
Willow: I want you, Xander... to be my first!
Xander: Baseman. Please tell me we're talking baseball.

Xander: Th-that's it! This has gotta stop. It's time for me to act like a man. And hide.

Harmony: You know what you did. Xander is wounded because of you.
Cordelia: Are you tripping? I thought you wanted me to break up with him!
Harmony: Only a sick pup would let Xander get away, no matter what her friends said.
Cordelia: What does it take to make you people happy?

Giles: I cannot believe you are fool enough to do somethin like this!
Xander: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.

Buffy: Alone at last.
Xander: Buff, give me a heart attack!
Buffy: Oh, I'm gonna give you more than that.
Xander: Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.
Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present?
Xander: It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you. You're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I though you had one clue what it would mean to me... But you don't. So I can't.

Amy: Who made you Queen of the World? Well, you're old enough to be.
Jenny: Well, what can I say? I guess Xander's just too much man for the pimple squad.
Amy: Goddess Hecate, to you I pray, with this...
Xander: Would you quit with the Hecate?!

Cordelia: Damn it, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made you Elvis?

Cordelia: And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former! Why has everyone gone insane?
Xander: Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?
Cordelia: The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft.
Xander: That is such a... Well, yeah, okay, good point.

Drusilla: If you harm one hair on this boy's head...
Angelus: You've got to be kidding. Him?
Drusilla: Just because I finally found a real man...
Angelus: I guess I really did drive you crazy.
Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: Really? It doesn't say, 'spare me' by any chance?

Cordelia: If we die in here I'm gonna kick your ass! I mean it!

Xander: Would've worked fine, except your hide's so thick, not even magic can penetrate it!
Cordelia: You mean the spell was for me?

Buffy: Hi, Oz!
Oz: Hi.
Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.
Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?
Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere.
Buffy: Really not an issue.

Cordelia: Boy, that was the best scavenger hunt ever.

Buffy: Scavenger hunt.
Xander: Your mom seemed to buy it.
Buffy: So she says. I think she's just so wigged at hitting on one of my friends that she's repressing. She's getting pretty good at that. I should probably start worrying.

Xander: You remember, huh?
Buffy: Oh, yeah. I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to undress me... And then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that you didn't.
Xander: Need cheese?
Buffy: Undress me. It meant a lot to me what you said.
Xander: C'mon, Buffy, I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, for a minute, it was touch and go there...
Buffy: You came through. There might just be hope for you yet.

Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
Harmony: I'm not a sheep.
Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are, cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I want to wear. And you know what? I'll date whoever the hell I want to date. No matter how lame he is. Oh, God! Oh, God!
Xander: You're gonna be okay. Just keep walkin.
Cordelia: Oh, God, what have I done? They're never gonna speak to me again!
Xander: Oh, sure, they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them you and I can fight a lot.
Cordelia: You promise?
Xander: You can pretty much count on it.

Episode Guide: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

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- - last updated: 3-17-02 - -