When She Was Bad
Xander: We already played rock, paper, scissors. My hands cramped up.
Willow: Well, yes, if you're always scissors of course your tendons are gonna strain...
Xander: I'm just so restless! I'm actually looking forward to school starting up again.
Willow: Yeah, and that wouldn't have anything to do with a certain girl we both know who is a Vampire Slayer?
Xander: Please, I'm so over her. Did she, uh, mention when she might be getting back? About which I do not care.
Willow: And you don't care?
Xander: Well, okay, there might be some interest. I'm a man. I have certain desires, certain needs...
Willow: Uhhh! I don't wanna know.
Xander: I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!
Willow: My nose is cold.
Xander: Let me get that for ya.
Willow: Xander!
Xander: I'm sorry, I can't help myself. Your nose looks so tasty.
Buffy: Hi guys! Miss me?
Xander: Man, your timing really doesn't suck.
Willow: When'd you get back?
Buffy: Uh, just now. Dad drove me down. And I figured you two losers would be getting into some kind of trouble.
Willow: I think we had the upper hand. I-in a subtle way.
Xander: So, what about you? How was your summer? Did you slay anything?
Xander: I like your hair.
Willow: Have you seen Giles?
Buffy: Why would I do that? I'll see him at school.
Hank: She was, um... you know, great.
Joyce: But?
Hank: She was just, I don't know, um... distant. Not brooding or sulking, just... there was no connection. The more time we spent together, the more I felt like she was nowhere to be seen.
Joyce: Hence the shoes?
Hank: I may have overcompensated a little bit.
Cordelia: It was a nightmare, a total nightmare. I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany. Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have. Of course I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character?
Snyder: I mean, it's incredible. One day, the campus is completely bare, empty. The next, there are children everywhere... like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything is sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist.
Giles: I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, that school principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?
Snyder: Somebody's got to keep an eye on them. They're just a bunch of hormonal time bombs. Every time a pretty girl walks by every boy turns into a gibbering fool.
Giles: Ms. Calendar!
Jenny: Mr. Giles!
Giles: Well, I, uh, um... Hello!
Snyder: You see the way these kids gaze at each other... all moony.
Jenny: It's good to see you.
Giles: Yes.
Snyder: You think they're thinking about learning?
Giles: Uh, were you headed to the, uh, faculty room?
Jenny: Sounds like fun!
Snyder: I try and tell em about the important things in life. Discipline, responsibility, punctuality. Might as well be talking to myself.
Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up?
Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that.
Willow: Buffy killed a vampire last night.
Buffy: Uh, I think you can get a little more volume if you speak from the diaphram.
Willow: Sorry.
Jenny: I thought the Hellmouth was closed.
Giles: Well, it's, it's closed, but not gone. The mystical energy that emanates from it is still concentrated in this area.
Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town.
Buffy: You're the Watcher. I just work here.
Buffy: Fine! I'm fine.
Xander: Good! It's good that you're fine.
Xander: We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom!
Willow: What'd you do last night?
Buffy: Mm. Slept. I had weird dreams.
Xander: Dreams are meaningful.
Joyce: Is there the slightest chance that if I asked you what was wrong you would tell me? Course not. It would take all the fun out of guessing.
Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
Xander: Yeah. Some stuff is about groping. It wasn't about groping?
Xander: Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight?
Willow: Cibo Matto? They're playing?
Xander: No, Willow, they're gonna be clog dancing.
WIllow: Cibo Matto can clog dance? Oh, scarcasm, right.
Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.
Buffy: Was that an insult?
Xander: Kinda lacked punch.
Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool.
Cordelia: I see your point.
Xander: I woulda gone with Stooges.
Cordelia: So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?
Willow: Uh, yes! Our own personal demons.
Xander: Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!
Buffy: I would have gone with Stooges also.
Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good.
Cordelia: I don't even like to think about it. So your secret's safe with me.
Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.
Xander: Now, that was a good insult.
Willow: A little too good.
Cordelia: What's up with her?
Willow: Buffy's never acted like this before. Ever since she got back she's... different.
Xander: Buffy's always been different.
Willow: She's never been mean.
Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?
Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.
Buffy: Let's dance.
Xander: Ooo-kay.
Buffy: Xander? Did I ever thank you... for saving my life?
Xander: No.
Buffy: Don't you wish I would?
Cordelia: You're really compaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, cause I don't really like you that much, but... you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna... do you a favor.
Buffy: And this great favor is...
Cordelia: I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it.
Buffy: Excuse me?
Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain. Spank your inner moppet. Whatever. But get over it. Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.
Cordelia: I'll just see if Angel feels like dancing.
Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? She's possessed.
Giles: Possessed by what?
Willow: A... possessing thing!
Giles: Well that narrows it down.
Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitca?
Giles: I suggest that, uh, the explanation for her behavior may be something more, more mundane. She may simply have what you Americans refer to as issues.
Xander: That's a very interesting point about trout, you just brought up now.
Giles: Trout? Trout! Yes, trout, i-is a fish. Good morning.
Snyder: There's some things I can just smell. Its like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five.
Buffy: This is Cordelia's. 'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.'
Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? I'll pretend I didn't say that.
Buffy: Y'know, being stalked isn't really a big turn-on for girls.
Angel: You have to trust someone. You can't do this alone.
Buffy: I trust me.
Angel: You're not as strong as you think.
Buffy: Come on! Kick my ass!
Xander: I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care.
Angel: We need you to distract the vampires.
Buffy: Right.
Xander: What are you gonna do?
Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all. That ought to distract them.
Giles: Where's Buffy?
Xander: She's working out her issues.
Absalom: Your day is done, girl. I'll grind you into a sticky paste, and her you beg before I smash in your face.
Buffy: So, are you gonna kill me or are we just making small talk?
Willow: It's over.
Xander: No, it's not.
Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean till judgement day, you are living with those stains.
Jenny: Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: the stains.
Cordelia: I hear ya!
Buffy: What am I supposed to say? Sorry I almost got your throat slit. What's the homework?
Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless.
Buffy: It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.
Giles: What are you gonna do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
Buffy: Would it have cable?
Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but gosh, we did that last night. Hey, I got a plan: how bout minature golf.
Willow: There's no course here.
Xander: Okay, uh, miniature tennis! A very tiny form of tennis that we could invent...
Collin: I hate that girl.