Go Fish
Xander: It's officially nippy. So say my nips.
Xander: Team? Swim team. Hardly what I'd call a team. The Yankees. Abbot and Costello. The 'A'. Now those were teams.
Cordelia: Jealous?
Xander: No. Y-yes, but no more than yes.
Cordelia: It's about time our school excelled at something.
Willow: Hmmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.
Xander: We're number one!
Cameron: Beautiful. Isn't it?
Buffy: Yeah. It's just so...
Cameron: Eternal. A true mother, giving birth to new life and devouring old. Always adaptable and nurturing... yet... constant... and merciless.
Buffy: Boy, I was just going to go with big and wet.
Willow: Gage. Your pie chart is looking a lot like solitaire... with naked ladies on the cards?
Xander: Just like that? He actually told you to alter his grade?
Willow: Exactly. Except for actually telling me to. But he made it perfectly clear what he wasn't telling me.
Xander: That is wrong, a big, fat, spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn out D's.
Cordelia: Xander, I know you take pride is being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.
Xander: And what about that nutty 'all men are created equal thing?'
Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
Xander: I think that was Lincoln.
Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson.
Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?
Cameron: Hey... I'm not about pressure. I just want you to be comfortable.
Buffy: I'm comfy! I'm so comfy, I'm nodding off, actually, which is why...
Cameron: Are you wearing a bra?
Buffy: What?
Cameron: I don't know what happened. I mean, first she leads me on, then she goes schizo on me.
Buffy: Lead you on? When did I lead you on?
Cameron: Oh, come on. I mean, look at the way she dresses.
Coach Marin: And you... try to dress more appropriately from now on. This isn't a dance club.
Buffy: So I'm treated like the baddie, just becuase he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose. And I don't have a scratch on me, which, granted, hurts my case a little, on the surface, but meanwhile he gets away with it because he's on the 'aren't we the most' swim team... who, by the way, if no one's noticed, have been acting like real jerks lately... So, anything new with you guys?
Giles: No. No, he was eviscerated. Nothing left but skin and cartilage.
Xander: In other words, this was not boating accident.
Buffy: So something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie. Well, except for, you know, without the chocolatey cookie goodness.
Willow: So, we're looking for a beastie.
Giles: That, uh, eats humans whole... except for the skin.
Buffy: That doesn't make any sense.
Xander: Yeah. The skin's the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol? You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh.
Xander: Too much research. Need beverage.
Xander: Well, it was dark! And the thing went through the window so quick, and I was a... little shocked when I saw it, and...
Cordelia: Go ahead. Say it. You ran like a woman.
Xander: Hey, if you saw this thing, you'd run like a woman, too.
Cordelia: God, this is so sad. We're never gonna win the state championship. I think I've lost all will to cheerlead.
Xander: Raise your hand if you feel her pain.
Giles: If you're saying these killings aren't random, it would suggest someone's out for revenge.
Buffy: And raise the possiblity that someone brought forth this sea monster from whence it came to exact that revenge. 'From whence it came'? I'm spending way too much time around you.
Buffy: He did say he could take care of things himself. It's a good call. You should question him.
Willow: Really? Me? I'll crack him like an egg.
Xander: What about me? What can I do?
Cordelia: Well, you could go out to the parking lot and practice running like a man.
Willow: So, you wanted revenge. Didn't you? Didn't you?
Jonathan: Yeah! Okay? I did!
Willow: So... You delved into the black arts and conjured up a hellbeast from the ocean's depths to wreak your vengeance.
Jonathan: Huh?
Willow: Didn't you?
Jonathan: What? No! I snuck in yesterday and... peed in the pool.
Willow: Oh. Eww!
Gage: This me-and-my-shadow act? It's getting old. What do you want from me?
Buffy: Well, um... It's a little embarrassing. You see, I'm a swim groupie.
Gage: Aha.
Buffy: Oh, yeah. You know, there's just something about the smell of chlorine on a guy. Oh, baby.
Gage: Hmm.
Buffy: Uh, okay, okay, okay. Obviously, my sex appeal is on the fritz today, so I'll just give it to you straight. There's something lurking out there, and it's making fillets of the populace, and I think you might be next.
Gage: Uh-huh. And you think that because?
Buffy: Well, it's already attacked. It's already killed some people.
Gage: What a psycho bitch, man.
Angel: Gotta be talking about Buffy.
Angelus: Why, Miss Summers! You're beautiful!
Gage: Was that the thing that killed Cameron?
Buffy: No. That was something else.
Gage: S-something else?
Buffy: Yeah. Unfortunately we have a lot of something elses in this town. Good night.
Buffy: Any luck researching our fish monster?
Cordelia: Zippo. We couldn't find any sea demon that matched the description that Xander gave us. Not that Chicken Little's much of a witness, but... OH. Oh! Oh, my! Now, that, girls is my kind of...
Willow: Xander?
Cordelia: Xander?! What the hell are you doing here?
Xander: Shh! I'm undercover!
Buffy: Not under much.
Xander: Okey-dokey, coachie.
Cordelia: I'm dating a swimmer from the Sunnydale swim team!
Buffy: You can die happy.
Giles: Well, the, uh, good news is that it would appear that none of your team actually died.
Buffy: But the bad news is... they're monsters.
Willow: All symptomatic of steroid abuse.
Xander: But is steroid abuse usually liked with, 'hey, I'm a fish'?
Willow: If steroids are that dangerous, why would they do that to themselves?
Buffy: They needed to win. And winning equals trophies, which equals prestige for the school. You see how they're treated. It's been like that forever.
Xander: Sure. The discus throwers got the best seats at all the crucifixions.
Buffy: Meanwhile, I'm breaking my nails every day battling the forces of evil, and my French teacher can't even remember my name.
Giles: They're absorbing the steroid mixture through the steam.
Xander: Not they. We. Me! We have to find an antidote, don't you think? The clock is ticking, people!
Buffy: I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. I mean, it's not like you were exposed more than once. Twice?
Xander: Three times a fish guy.
Buffy/Willow: Oh...
Cordelia: Whoa.
Xander: What am I gonna do?
Cordelia: You, you, you. What about me? It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the creature from the Blue Lagoon.
Xander: Black Lagoon. The creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields. And thank you so much for your support!
Buffy: I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.
Coach Marin: You got some imagination, missy.
Buffy: Oh, well right now, I'm imagining you in jail. You're wearing a big, orange suit, and, oh, look, the guards are beating you up.
Xander: Does my neck look scaly to you?
Cordelia: Well, of course it looks scaly, the way you've been rubbing it dry like an idiot.
Xander: I need to look in a mirror. Wait here. But feel free to come in if you hear me scream.
Cordelia: Any gills yet?
Cordelia: It's me, Cordelia? I know you can't answer me, but... God, this is all my fault. You joined the swim team to impress me. You were so courageious. And you looked really hot in those Speedo's. And I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And... and we can still date. Or, or not. I mean... I understand if you wanna see other fish. I'll do everything I can to make your quality of life better. Whether that means little bath toys or whatever.
Xander: Uh, Cordy? That's not me.
Giles: I-in you go. Stay, calm, chaps. Either we'll find an effective antidote, or, or, uh... S-stay calm.
Buffy: Great. This is just what my reputation needs: that I did it with the entire swim team.
Xander: What's up, coach?
Coach Marin: Oh! Harris. Uh... how are you feeling?
Xander: Little dry. Nothing a lemon butter sauce won't cure. Where's Buffy?
Buffy: Those boys really love their coach.
Xander: Let's see. I gotta take a make-up chem test at three. And then I'm meeting some of the guys for plasma transfusions at five. It's turned into quite the busy afternoon.
Buffy: The fun never stops with you, does it?