School Hard
Principal Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, 'Think of your principal as you pal.' I say think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner.
Shelia: I didn't stab anyone with a trowel. They were pruning shears.
Willow: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
Xander: You're bad to the bone.
Willow: I'm a rebel.
Buffy: What's Shelia's excuse?
Xander: Homework. She won't do it. And most teachers respect that now. Oh, you might wanna keep away any sharp implements when you're working with her.
Xander: It's no biggie. You'll have a nice soire'e. The parents will love it. As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then you'll be fine.
Buffy: Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen!
Xander: Whadaya mean? Nothing's gonna happen.
Willow: Not until some dummy says, 'as long as nothing bad happens'.
Buffy: It's the ultimate jinx!
Willow: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?
Xander: Well, you guys don't know. Maybe this time it'll be different.
Spike: Home, sweet home.
Vampire: Yes. This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the cruciixion. And I should know. I was there.
Spike: You were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there it would have been like Woodstock.
Vampire: I oughta rip your throat out.
Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin my hand move. So. Who do you kill for fun around here?
Spike: You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
Collin: Can you?
Spike: A lot faster than Nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I love to brag!
Drusilla: Look at all the people. Are these nice people?
Spike: So. How bout this Slayer? Is she tough?
Buffy: Ow!
Joyce: What's wrong?
Buffy: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey.
Joyce: Life is hard dear.
Buffy: Don't I know it. Is that a split end?
Willow: I thought we were going to the Bronze tonight. Cause of how you thought Angel might show?
Xander: If he does he'll meet some other nice girl? Studying comes first.
Buffy: We're going to the Bronze. I can study and party and do Parent-Teacher night and make my mother proud as long as I don't have to...
Giles: Buffy!
Buffy: ...fight vampires.
Giles: Well, according to her calculations, this Saturday is the Night of St. Vigeous.
Buffy: Let me guess. He didn't make balloon animals.
Xander: And while I'm whittling I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.
Shelia: Thanks for covering. Guy's a serious rodent.
Buffy: No problem.
Shelia: Did you really burn down a school building one time?
Buffy: Well, not actually one time.
Shelia: Cool.
Xander: Guys, I'm all alone out there. Somebody has to dance with me.
Willow: Well, we are studying.
Xander: C'mon, one dance. You've been studying for nearly twelve minutes.
Buffy: No wonder my brain's fried.
Vampire: Slayer!
Buffy: Slayee!
Buffy: Get her out of here! And a stake would be nice.
Spike: Nice work, love.
Buffy: Who are you?
Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.
Buffy: What happens Saturday?
Spike: I kill you.
Shelia: Who are you?
Spike: Who do you want me to be?
Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow: Wow, two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still, like, four hundred dates with four hundred different... Why do they call it a mace?
Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.
Drusilla: The stars will align, and smile down on us.
Spike: And then, God, this town will burn.
Drusilla: A pretty fire!
Xander: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Cordelia: You sure don't.
Willow: What kind of punch did you make?
Buffy: Uh, lemonade. I made if fresh and everything.
Willow: Ho much sugar did you use?
Buffy: Sugar?
Willow: *grimaces* It's very good.
Cordelia: You're starting to look a little slagged. What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now?
Buffy: Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a... third unmeshable thing.
Cordelia: Yeah, and I can see the oil. Is that your mom? Now that is a woman who knows how to moisturize. Did it, like, skip a generation?
Giles: Oh, there you are.
Jenny: There who is?
Giles: Our new friend Spike. He's known as 'William the Bloody'. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Well, here's some good news: he's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is. Oh.
Xander: That's a bad look, right?
Giles: I think your suggestion of running away this Saturday might've been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century and... he's killed them both.
Man: Who are those people, and what do they want?
Joyce: I didn't get much of a look, but is there something wrong with their faces? I...
Snyder: Yes! PCP! It's a gang on PCP!
Spike: Slayer! Here, kitty, kitty. I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck him dry.. and use their bones to bash your head in. Are you getting a word picture here?
Spike: Someone's in the ceiling!
Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.
Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
Angel: Things change.
Spike: Not us! Not demons!
Spike: Fe, fi, fo, fum. I smell the blood of a nice ripe girl.
Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.
Spike: I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored. I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you. I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
Buffy: No, Spike. Its gonna hurt a lot.
Joyce: You get the hell away from my daughter!
Spike: Women!
Xander: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?
Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.
Xander: A-and if he bit me, what then?
Angel: We would've known he bought it.
Xander: Hey, what's the deal with you being Spike's sire? What's a sire?
Joyce: I have a daughter who can take care of herself. Who's brave and resourceful and thinks of others in a crisis. No matter who you hang out with or what dumb teenage stuff you think you need to do I'm gonna sleep better knowing all that.
Cordelia: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they really deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible...
Willow: Ask for some aspirin.
Cordelia: And can you please send some asp... Hey!
Spike: A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.
Spike: Let's see what's on TV.