The Zeppo
Xander: "I'm good. We're fine. Just a little bit dirty. Good show, everyone. Just great. I think we have a hit."
Willow: "Are you okay?"
Xander: "Tip-top, really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it."
Buffy: "Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt."
Faith: "Or killed."
Buffy: "Or both. A-and, you know, with the pain and the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. M-maybe you should be... fray-adjacent."
Xander: "Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?"
Faith: "Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all."
Xander: "I think you'll find that was more of a bellow."
Buffy: "Uh, what do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?"
Willow: "I brought marshmallows... Occasionally, I'm callous and strange."
Xander: "But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll never be a good reporter."
Giles: "Hmm?"
Xander: "Jimmy Olsen joke, sir. Pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?"
Jack: "What are you, retarded?"
Xander: "No! No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything."
Xander: "Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures Hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?"
Cordelia: "Because, unlike all those creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there."
Xander: "Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?"
Cordelia: "It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers -- Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires -- and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen."
Xander: "I was just talking to... Hey, mind your own business!"
Cordelia: "Ooo, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool."
Xander: "I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer."
Cordelia: "Oh, please."
Xander: "I do!"
Cordelia: "'Integral part' of the group? Xander, you're the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. 'Cool'. Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't... There was no part of that that wasn't fun."
Xander: "But... It's just that it's buggin me, this 'cool' thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?"
Oz: "Not sure."
Xander: "I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?"
Oz: "Am I?"
Xander: "Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?"
Oz: "Could be."
Xander: "I know! You're in a band! That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff! I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?"
Oz: "Not the way I play it."
Xander: "Okay, but on the other hand: eight grade. I'm taking the flugelhorn and gettin zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. But you need a thing, one thing nobody else has. What do I have?"
Oz: "An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special."
Giles: "Buffy, this is no laughing matter."
Buffy: "Hence my no laughing."
Buffy: "Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?"
Willow: "Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked."
Buffy: "What is this?"
Xander: "What do you mean, what is it? It's my thing."
Willow: "Your thing?"
Xander: "My thing!"
Buffy: "Is this a penis metaphor?"
Cordelia: "Ooo, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission."
Xander: "Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds."
Cordelia: "Ooo, again, I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean."
Lysette: "'57 Chevy Bel Air... 283 CID... Solid lifter... Fuel-injected V-8..."
Xander: "Uh... very possibly."
Lysette: "How does she handle?"
Xander: "Like a dream about warm, sticky things."
Giles: "All we know is that the fate of the entire world rests on it. Did you eat all the jellies?"
Buffy: "Did you want a jelly?"
Giles: "I always have a jelly. I'm always the one that says 'let's have a jelly in the mix'."
Willow: "We're sorry. Buffy had three."
Xander: "Oh, gosh, Jack, man, are, are you okay? I am really sorry about that. But your car came out of nowhere."
Jack: "I was parked."
Jack: "Where do you want it?"
Xander: "I'm fairly certain I don't want it at all, but, uh, thank you."
Lysette: "Wow. Cool knife."
Xander: "Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, uh, it may technically be a, a sword."
Jack: "She's called 'Katie'."
Xander: "You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you. Listen, I think we should be going."
Jack: "Are you scared?"
Xander: "Would that make you happy?"
Jack: "Your woman looking on, you can't stand up to me? Don't you feel pathetic?"
Xander: "Mostly I feel Katie."
Jack: "You know what the difference between you and me is?"
Xander: "Again... Katie's springing to mind."
Jack: "Fear. Who has the least fear."
Xander: "Are, um... Are all or your friends dead?"
Bob: "Whoa! Walker, Texas Ranger. You been taping em?"
Jack: "Every ep."
Bob: "Alright. We're gonna get the guys together, and we're gonna PARTY, man! It's gonna be a night to remember! Yeah!"
Xander: "I'm sensing that."
Giles: "Uh, what are you doing here?"
Xander: "Oh, we were just raising, um... some heck."
Giles: "There's something... different about this... menace, something in the air... The stench of death."
Xander: "Yeah, I think it's Bob."
Xander: "If you guys want me to drop you off somewhere, that's..."
Jack: "Nah. You're with us now."
Parker: "Oh yeah, man, your on the team now, baby. Whoo-hoo!"
Xander: "Okay. Now I'm involved in crime. I'm the criminal element. Having a car sure is cool!"
Xander: "Great! I wanna be in the gang, sure!"
Parker: "Alright! Yeah."
Jack: "That's the spirit."
Parker: "Yeah."
Xander: "What do I gotta do?"
Jack: "You gotta die."
Parker: "Aw. you wanna be part of the gang now, don't you?"
Xander: "Yes, yes, but I'm not dying to be in the gang, if you get the, um... the pun there."
Bob: "What? You're, you're too good to be dead? You got a problem with dead people?"
Dickie: "Let's kill Xander. It'll be fun!"
Faith: "A fight like that and... no kill... I'm about ready to pop."
Xander: "Really? Pop?!"
Faith: "You up for it?"
Xander: "Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um... I've never been up with people before."
Faith: "Just relax... And take your pants off."
Xander: "Those two concepts are antithetical."
Faith: "Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves."
Xander: "Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?"
Faith: "That was great. I gotta shower."
Xander: "Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can't beleive I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already-dead guys with bombs. Oh, man, I'm outta my league! Buffy'll know what to do."
Angel: "I love you."
Buffy: "I love you."
Angel: "Nothing can change that. Not even death."
Buffy: "Don't talk to me like that! You may be ready to go, but I am not ready to lose you. Okay, this is my fight, and if you won't do it my way then you're..."
Xander: "Hey. I've got this, um... There's this, uh... It's probably a bad time."
Xander: "Where's a Slayer when you need one?"
Xander: "Should've learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later... I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk."
Xander: "Hello, nasty. Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?"
Xander: "I know what you're thinkin. Can I get by him? Get up the staris, out of the building, seconds ticking away... I don't love your chances."
Jack: "Then you'll die, too."
Xander: "Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is... who has less fear?"
Jack: "I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead."
Xander: "Yeah, but this is different. Being blowed up isn't walking around and drinking with your buddies dead. It's little bits being swept up by a janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that."
Jack: "Are you?"
Xander: "I like the quiet."
Giles: "But the world continues to turn."
Willow: "No one will ever know how close it came to stopping. Never know what we did."
Xander: "Guys..."
Willow: "Xander. Boy, you're lucky you weren't at school last night. It was crazed."
Xander: "Well, uh, gimme the quiet life. I'm gonna grab a snack. Anyone want?"
Giles: "No thank you."
Xander: "Oz?"
Oz: "No. I'm oddly full today."
Cordelia: "Ooo, look, it's Mr. Excitement. On another life-or-death doughnut mission, or are we just cruising for bimbos again, giving them lessons in lack of cool? What? What? WHAT?!"