Real Me
Giles: "There is nothing but you. You are the center. And within you, there is the core of your being... of what you are. Find it... breathe into it. Focus inward. Let the world fall away... fall away... fall away..."
Dawn: "Can we go now?"
Dawn Voiceover: "Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me. It's like nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No. Underline. Exclamtion point. Exclamation point, exclamation point. No one understands. No one has a older sister who's a slayer. People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks. Just cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus Mom lets her get away with everything. 'Your sister's saving the world'. I could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers... but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even. If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampire, they die from a splinter."
Riley: "Besides, 'I'm here to violate your firstborn' never goes over with parents. Not sure why."
Dawn Voiceover: "Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is so into her. They're always kissing.. and groping. I bet they have sex!"
Buffy: "Plans? We planned plans?"
Riley: "Well, you said, uh, 'come over tomorrow and we'll hang', and then I said, 'OK'. Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan."
Buffy: "Are you mad at me?"
Riley: "Oh, no, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way."
Dawn Voiceover: "I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word 'newfangled' one time. So he's gotta be pretty far gone."
Buffy: "Giles, are you breaking up with your car?"
Giles: "Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty!"
Buffy: "Little two-door tramp."
Willow: "Hey Giles, sharp wheels!"
Tara: "The rest of the car's nice too."
Dawn Voiceover: "Willow's the awesomest person. She's the only one I know who likes school as much as me. Even her friends are cool!"
Tara: "Hey Dawn"
Dawn Voiceover: "Like Tara. She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. A-and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. Huh. I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft."
Buffy: "So I won't be taking drama with you."
Willow: "What? You have to, you promised!"
Buffy: "Well, I know, but Giles said that it just was-"
Willow: "To hell with Giles."
Giles: "I can hear you, Willow."
Guy: "Whatcha doin? What are you doing here? You can't loiter. There's no loitering. That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard but they find you there anyway, and it hurts. Please, make it stop. Shut up, shut up, they'll hear you!"
Dawn: "Buff-"
Guy: "I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. You... don't... belong... here."
Cyrus: "When are we gonna do it?"
Harmony: "Eww! That's rude! I barely know you! Uch, and you're a minion!"
Mort: "He means the plan! When are we gonna do the plan?"
Harmony: "Ohhh! The plan! Ah, well, first lemme tell you I'm really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you guys-"
Mort: "When?!"
Harmony: "Tonight! We kill the slayer... tonight."
Dawn Voiceover: "Xander is so much cuter than anyone. And smarter too. He totally skipped college and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of... deep, you know? He builds things. And he's brave too. Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy."
Joyce: "Dawn, be good."
Xander: "Oh, we will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from... some guy... I don't know his name."
Dawn Voiceover: "Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn't look down on people."
Anya: "Hello there, little girl."
Dawn Voiceover: "Even when he should."
Anya: "We are gonna have fun, fun, fun. Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue, and ooh, the Game of Life! That sounds good!"
Riley: "So you want your mother to give you space to be a slayer, and shield you from it at the same time."
Buffy: "Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it."
Riley: "I'm getting that."
Dawn Voiceover: "He says I'm like a kid sister..."
Xander: "Here comes the judge!"
Dawn Voiceover: "...but sometimes when he looks at me, I feel like he sees me as I am... as a woman."
Anya: "Oh, crap. Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage..."
Xander: "That means you're winning."
Anya: "Really?"
Xander: "Yes. Cash equals good."
Anya: "Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?"
Harmony: "They're not my budddies. They're my minions."
Xander: "They're... what now?"
Harmony: "Minions! You know, lackeys? They work for me."
* Xander starts laughing *
Harmony: "What's so funny?!"
Xander: "Nothing! What could be funny, just 'Look out, it's a terrifying Harmony gang, ooh!'"
Xander: "Fraid I don't feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you."
Harmony: "You're the hair puller, you big girl!"
* Buffy laughing hysterically *
Buffy: "Harmony... Harmony has minions?"
Xander: "Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction."
Buffy: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just... Harmony has minions!"
Xander: "And Ruffles have ridges. Uh, Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this."
Buffy: "I sure hope so, cause I'm having trouble breathing. What is it?"
Xander: "Well, she did come her to kill you."
* Buffy bursts out laughing again *
Buffy: "I mean, it's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules. Especially the biggie! Numero one-oh. 'Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our house'. I mean, please. I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive."
Harmony: "All right, once again, nice work, minionators. I'm really, really proud of you guys. Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest... comfortable?"
Mort: "You told me to chain her to a wall."
Harmony: "Yeah, I know, I'm being sarcastic or whatever?"
Spike: "Bollocks. Gonna have to pinch one of those satellite dishes. Well, speaking of dishes, to what do I own this unpleasant-"
* Buffy punches him in the face *
Spike: "Ow! Bloody hell!"
* Buffy punches Spike in the nose *
Spike: "Ow!! I was telling you the truth!"
Buffy: "I know."
Dawn: "Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you."
* Cyrus pokes her in the shoulder and a stake shoots through him from behind *
Buffy: "Can't say she didn't warn him."
Harmony: "And you didn't like the plan."
Buffy: "Dawn, close your eyes."
Harmony: "So, slayer, at last we meet."
Buffy: "We've met, Harmony, you halfwit."
Buffy: "Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad... you suck."
Buffy: "You are gonna be in so much trouble when we get home."
Dawn: "Yeah, well... I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me."
Buffy: "Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, that you got Anya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped..."
Buffy: "Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored were you last year?"
Giles: "I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it."
Buffy: "Don't. Break. Anything... Just don't touch anything."
Dawn Voiceover: "Not that Buffy's really changed at all. Like she ever would."
Buffy: "What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that."
Dawn Voiceover: "She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise."