The Replacement
Xander: "Wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission."
Anya: "We think the cat peed on it."
Xander: "Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right?"
Riley: "Hey Buffy, how's that book? Full of zippy dates and zesty names?"
Buffy: "I'm fine. Heyyy. I'm enjoying the studying."
Riley: "Who are you lately? Give it up and watch the movie."
Buffy: "I guess it has been a long day with the crusades. I can take a little break from the violence for some... ooh, fighting."
Xander: "Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import."
Anya: "Much more durable than their hot plates."
Willow: "If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, 'La la, I'm on my way to Xander's'."
Buffy: "Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that."
Riley: "Really? I will."
Xander: "Oh! Credit check. Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are."
Riley: "Uh, we, uh... we like the ceiling fan."
Willow: "Yes. It's very, you kow, kind of old south."
Buffy: "But without the unpleasant slavery associations."
Xander: "I guess I'll just start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship."
Giles: "Miscellaneous curses. Brilliant. Be lucky if i don't curse my hands off at the wrist. Oh!"
Toth: "The slayer is not here."
Giles: "Rabbit's foot, no, wait..."
Toth: "That is a fertility god. Feeble man, you are not going to distract me-"
* Giles hits Toth with the statue *
Toth: "Your are not the slayer. You do not concern me."
Giles: "Like this... and this... and this..."
Riley: "That thing's pretty heavy."
Willow: "That's Oofdar. Goddess of childbirth. She's got some nice heft to her."
Buffy: "How badly did you hurt him?"
Giles: "Well, hurt, uh... maybe not... hurt."
Willow: "Well, I-I'm sure he was startled."
Giles: "Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn."
Buffy: "He ran away, huh?"
Giles: "Um, sort of more... uh... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him."
Buffy: "So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?"
Giles: "Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me."
Buffy: "The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves."
Riley: "People say they're recycling. They're not recycling."
Willow: "I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so... no."
Spike: "Big guy! Kick her ass! Oh, very nice! I was on your side!"
Buffy: "Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to... zee other axe."
Dawn: "My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died because she choked on her boyfriend's tongue."
Buffy: "Go away, Dawn."
Dawn: "I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway. The hallway doesn't belong to you."
Scruffy Xander: "What? Why isn't he firing me?... Him?"
Suave Xander: "Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and... go with it."
Scruffy Xander: "Please, lady, that is so not me. He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy."
Scruffy Xander: "Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it."
Willow: "Um... okay."
Scruffy Xander: "Let's see. Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday... I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance."
Scruffy Xander: "It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil."
Willow: "Uh huh. Or it's Toth."
Scruffy Xander: "Or, it's Toth."
Willow: "Xander, you sound a little... you have to help me figure this out, you know."
Scruffy Xander: "But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me."
Willow: "That's not true! Sometimes we all helped save you. And sometimes you're not in trouble."
Scruffy Xander: "She won't know. He can just... no! No way! No way. He can take anything, but he can't have her. I need her."
Willow: "Really?"
Scruffy Xander: "He could be with her right now! Figure out a spell, something... revealy. I gotta find her."
Willow: "Xander... You already knew he was taking over your life, and... you didn't think about Anya till just now?"
Scruffy Xander: "Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it."
Willow: "I handled it fine."
Anya: "You really got this apartment?"
Suave Xander: "I really did. And do you know why?"
Anya: "The ceiling fans? Very attractive."
Giles: "Oh, dear lord."
Riley: "Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little-"
Buffy: "He seemed kind of forceful and confident."
Willow: "That's not Xander."
Giles: "I said, 'Oh, dear lord'."
Buffy: "You always say that."
Giles: "Well, it's always important! Neither Xander is a demon."
Willow: "Um... is one of them a robot?"
Riley: "Hey. I have Buffy Buffy. Being the slayer's part of who you are. You keep thinking I don't get that, but..."
Buffy: "It's just... I know how... un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters..."
Riley: "Buffy... if you led perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all. I'm talking toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything. There's no part of you I'm not in love with."
Buffy: "We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he's dead. You know what I mean."
Scruffy Xander: "Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot!"
Buffy: "Yeah. Okay, Xander.. Xa... You've been split in two. But you're both Xander. And you can't kill each other. Um, well, you could, but it would be really bad."
Scruffy Xander: "Oh, but he has a thingie! In his pocket! A shiny disk that stuns and disorients!"
Suave Xander: "What disk?"
Scruffy Xander: "Cover your eyes!"
Suave Xander: "This?"
Scruffy Xander: "It'll melt your brain!"
Buffy: "Look."
Suave Xander: "It's a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It's not magic."
Scruffy Xander: "No, I... huh. It is kinda cool. Washington's still there, but he's all smushy. And he may be Jefferson."
Suave Xander: "Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone."
Scruffy Xander: "I was thinking the same thing! Hey, do you suppose we're both Xander?"
Buffy: "Look, there's a scar there, and there's the same one right there."
Willow: "It's all double. This zit, and this... kinda funny dippy thing. A-and this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way."
Scruffy Xander: "Okay! Back off, ladies."
Riley: "Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?... Just me, then."
Anya: "So... you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same... physical attributes?"
Suave Xander: "We're completely identical."
Scruffy Xander: "Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over... Fingerprints!"
Anya: "Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and... we can all have sex together, and... you know, just slap em back together in the morning."
Suave Xander: "She's joking."
Scruffy Xander: "No, she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is... wrong, and, and it would be very confusing."
Giles: "Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk."
Willow: "Check. Candles and pretense."
Anya: "It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander."
Anya: "What'll we do if this doesn't work?"
Xanders: "Kill us both, Spock!"
* Xanders laugh at each other *
Buffy: "They're... kinda the same now."
Giles: "Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself."
Anya: "I liked it the other way. Put him back."
Buffy: "Anya. I see you've joined the non-sling-wearing crowd."
Anya: "Yes, I'm feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure."
Buffy: "That sounds nice."
Xander: "Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was."
Riley: "Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just... on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half... is so still and peaceful... just perfectly content. Just knows: This is the one. But she doesn't love me."