No Place Like Home

Vamp: "I've always wanted to kill the Slayer."
Buffy: "And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really, who's surprised we have all this unexpressed rage?"

Night Watchman: "If you're looking for one of those rave parties, you're late. Chased a bunch of kids outta here last night."
Buffy: "Oh. Yeah, darn, and my fellow ravers will be so disappointed. My turn to bring bundt cake."

Joyce: "Morning, guys. Ooh, check out the 'pamper mom' platter. You two did all this?"
Dawn: "Buffy helped."
Buffy: "I didn't 'help'."
Joyce: "I'm sure you did. And neither of you's pregnant, failing, or under indictment? Just checking."

Joyce: "The headaches they said would go away came back. And brought some friends along with."
Buffy: "What'd your doctors say?"
Joyce: "Take four of... whatever these are a day, come back for tests."
Buffy: "So they don't know what's wrong."
Joyce: "Not yet."

Joyce: "I'm still the Mom, which means I get to worry about you two. And it's a good thing, because you're a vampire slayer and you... you're my little pumpkin belly."
Dawn: "Mom! That's like, my kid name."
Joyce: "So? I can't be retro?"
Dawn: "I'm fourteen. Nicknames like 'little pumpkin belly' tend to flatline growing self-esteem."
Buffy: "You ever have names for me?"
Joyce: "No, I think you were always just... Buffy."
Dawn: "I got some names for you..."

Joyce: "So, go! Bring me back a, I don't know, flying broomstick or something."
Dawn: "Those never really work."

Dawn: "Whoa, Mr. Giles, this place is so, wow, I mean... check out all the magic junk!"
Giles: "Our new slogan."

Giles: "Magic's a small niche market, but think about it: Sunnydale. Monsters. Supply. Demand. Be lines around the block in no time."
Buffy: "Oh yeah. Money, hand over fist. Which, I guess is a good thing."

Buffy: "I put it before the group... What the hell is this?"
Giles: "Appears to be paranormal in origin."
Willow: "How can you tell?"
Giles: "Well, it's so shiny."

Willow: "I can't help it. I have all this involuntary emphathy for Dawn, cause she's, you know, a big spaz."
Buffy: "Yeah but she's so annoying, especially now Mom's sick and Dawn's all over her, while I have to be the grown-up, and they're like the giggle twins and how come I never get to be the Little Pumpkin Belly?"
Willow: "While I don't feel qualified to address that last part, I can tell you, Dawn's not just the youngest. She's the baby. Maybe your Mom needs that now."
Buffy: "Like Dawn even cares what -- You have no idea how much I wish I were an only child these days."
Dawn: "Oops."

Ben: "Not to be rampantly sexist in the workplace but, you've got some serious mus-kles for a girl."
Buffy: "Oh. Um..."
Ben: "Radioactive spider bite?"
Buffy: "How'd you guess?"

Glory: "There you are! I... Have been looking all over for you!"

Shoplifters Will Be Transfigured

Giles: "Did you see? Customers! Real live customers! They came in, and I gave them things, and they gave me money and then they left! It's brilliant!"
Willow: "Congratualtions, you're now an official capitalist running day."

Anya: "Your conjuring powder's grotesquely overpriced."
Giles: "Anya..."
Anya: "I'm sorry. But I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter."
Giles: "And the change is palpable. That stuff doesn't come cheap."
Anya: "Well you're getting ripped off. I can hook you up direct with the troll that sheds it..."

Glory: "All I want is THE KEY!!! Why won't you tell me where The Key is? Forgive me, monkey. I just get so, ohh, anxious sometimes like there's mmm, something deep inside me and it's swelling up and making me crazy and I just forget there's all this, nnngh, DUCT TAPE on your face... Now tell me where The Key is..."

Glory: "It's okay. The stutter is sexy, keep it coming."

Glory: "Jsme v novem svete, tak proboha... (We're in the new world now, so please, for God's sake...) SPEAK AMERICAN!!!"

Glory: "I'll bet this is fun for you! Isn't it? Say it, you like to torture me! Why? You don't even own the damn thing and I want it, I need it, I have to have it NOW and you keep refusing to tell me WHERE THE KEY IS and... And it's typical, like the big mortal meatsack comes complete with stink and bile, sweat and protein, yes I said HUMANS - Not now Mommy's TALKING - Wriggling, piling, plowing, crawling, clowning, cavorting, DOING IT over and over and over and over til somebody's gotta sit down on their tuffet and make this birthing STOP."

Giles: "That's um, not candy... Xander. There's, there's too many of them. People. And they all seem to want things."
Xander: "I hear you. Stay British, you'll be okay. The thousand-yard stare. Damn. You hate to see it on any man, but especially in retail."
Anya: "Please go."
Xander: "Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called? They want me to tell you 'please go' just got replaced with 'have a nice day'."
Anya: "I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?"
Xander: "No one. It's a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it."
Anya: "Hey! You! Have a nice day."
Xander: "There's my girl."

Xander: "Any suspects?"
Buffy: "Got the list narrowed down to just under infinity."

Willow: "Does this look right to you?"
Anya: "Sure, if you wrapped it with your feet."

Riley: "So you need me to light incense and pour sand?"
Buffy: "Magic incense and spooky sand."

Dawn: "What are you doing?"
Buffy: "My boyfriend! Now go away!"
Dawn: "Liar. Are you doing magic?"
Buffy: "No I'm not."
Dawn: "Can I watch?"
Buffy: "No you can't."
Dawn: "Please? Oh please times ten and cubed, oh please?"


Giles: "All we've pinned down is that The Dagon's Sphere was created to repel... that which cannot be named."

Buffy: "Spike!"
Spike: "Hi, Buffy."
Buffy: "Look, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... What are you doing here? Five words or less."
Spike: "Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch."
Buffy: "Outside my house. At night. No one has time for this, William."
Spike: "On your merry way, then. Contrary to one self-involved world view, your house happens to be directly between... parts and other... parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day, but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole burst-into-flame phase."
Buffy: "Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break."
Spike: "Yeah, okay, let me guess: you won't kill me... Ooh, the crowd pleasing threats & swagger routine - how stunningly original. I'm just passing through. Satisfied? I really do hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and, and you have stupid hair."

Giles: "Would somebody please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?"
Xander: "Would that involve moving?"
Willow: "My feet are numb."
Xander: "I'll see your numbness, and raise you a lower back pain."
Giles: "I think I liked it better when demons would crash in and tear the place apart. It just seemed so much simpler."

Xander: "You're not worried about the Slay-Master General, are you big G?"

Glory: "You - HIT ME! Ow! What are you, crazy? You can't go around hitting people, what were you, raised in a barn?"

Glory: "Hey I just noticed something. You have superpowers! That is so cool! Can you fly? Hey. HEY!!! Hands off my holy man!"

Monk: "The Key is energy. It's a portal. It opens the door..."
Buffy: "That round glowy thing?"
Monk: "For centuries it had no form at all. My brethren... its only keepers. Then... The abomination... found us. We had to hide The Key... Gave it form. Molded it flesh, made it human. And sent it to you."
Buffy: "Dawn."
Monk: "She is The Key."
Buffy: "You put that thing in my home."
Monk: "We knew the Slayer would... protect..."
Buffy: "My memories... my mom's..."
Monk: "We built them."
Buffy: "Then unbuild them. This is my life you're --"
Monk: "You cannot... abandon..."
Buffy: "I didn't ask for this. I don't even know what... what is she?"
Monk: "Human. Human, now, and helpless. Please, she is... an innocent in this, and she needs you."
Buffy: "She's not my sister."
Monk: "She doesn't know that."

Dawn: "I tell you I have this theory? It goes where, you're the one who's not my sister cause Mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby Howler Monkeys, and never told you cause it could hurt your delicate baby feelings."

Buffy: "I just had a bad day."
Dawn: "Well, join the club."
Buffy: "Can I be president?"
Dawn: "I'm president. You can be the janitor."

Dawn: "What's wrong with Mom?"
Buffy: "I don't know."

Episode Guide: No Place Like Home

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- - last updated: 4-1-02 - -