Hells Bells
Willow: Buffy... it's hideous. My god, Buffy, look at its arms!
Buffy: I know. But it's my duty... I'm Buffy the bridesmaid.
Willow: Duty-schmooty. I'm sposed to be the best man. Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrichy in a dashing tuxedo number?
Buffy: No, cuz that would be totally unfair. We all must participate equally in the cosmic joke of bridesmaids-dom.
Willow: Maybe if I ask Anya I can still go with the traditional blood larva and burlap. I mean, she was a vengeance demon for like a thousand years, she'd know all the most flattering... larvee. What was she thinking?
Buffy: I think Anya's way too stressed to think right now, what with Xander's relatives and her... demons...
Willow: Ohmigod, last night. That rehersal dinner. It was a zoo without the table manners. And I bet it got worse after we left.
Buffy: I can't believe everyone is buying the story that Anya's people are 'circus folk'. The think with the tentacles, what's he sposed to be, Inky the Squid Boy?
Willow: And Xander's family, I haven't seen em that bad since my bat mitzvah. Did you see how much they drank?
Buffy: Kinda. Mr. Harris threw up in my purse.
Xander: You seen my cufflinks, Uncle Rory? Little metal deals, hold my sleeves together?
Uncle Rory: Oh, you don't want those. What you want is velcro. I ever tell you how that was my idea?
Mr. Harris: That's one of hers, right? You're one of hers, right?
Xander: You met Krelvin already, Dad. Last night.
Warty Demon: Yes. We met. You said I resembled your mother in law.
Mrs. Harris: Tony!
Mr. Harris: Oh, yeah.
Warty Demon: Later, you hit me with a cocktail wiener and insulted my heritage.
Mr. Harris: Heritage? Being 'circus folk' is suddenly heritage now? I mean no disrespect, of course. Sure you come from a long, proud line of geeks. Joking, big guy...
Xander: Cousin Carol, your earings are my cufflinks.
Cousin Carol: They are? Oh my. Oops!
Xander: Is it too small?
Buffy: Nah.
Xander: It fit when I picked up the tux. How can it not fit now?
Buffy: It'll fit.
Xander: Aw man. What if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund and the whole world sees the place where my pants meet my shirt? That can't happen Buffy! I must wear das cummerbund.
Buffy: And... so... you ... SHALL.
Xander: You did it?
Buffy: Slayer strength.
Xander: And I've been meaning to cut back on that habit-forming oxygen.
Buffy: You look really great, Mr. About-to-get-married. You're glowing. Omigod, Xander! Maybe you're pregnant!
Xander: Or maybe, I dunno... maybe I'm just happy. Teary?
Buffy: Oh, good teary.
Xander: Happy teary? Not fustrated with bow tie teary?
Buffy: Yes. Happy. Happy for you. And it makes me happy for me. I mean, you and Anya give me hope. It's like you two are proof that there's light at the end of this long, long nasty tunnel.
Anya: I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, and to honor you, but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are like a sea captain or something? I will however... What? Is something funny?
Tara: Nope, nothing, Sweetie. Now keep still.
Anya: Okay. Blah, blah, blah, misogynistic. Blah, blah, I will however entrust you with my heart... Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it because it's all that I have. And if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too. I'll protect it and tend to it, like a stray. Wait, no. Like a little mangy stray that needs a home. No, that's not it either.
Anya: I'm so excited and I want to share it all with my best friend. I get to be with my best friend forever!
Uncle Rory: It was my trade. I used to stuff things. Still do. But only for fun.
D'Hoffryn: Careful, it's...
Dawn: Fragile?
D'Hoffryn: Squirmy.
Cousin Carol: So, circus preformers. What's that like?
Uncle Rory: Your friend with the warts, he went off about his circus 'heritage', like you folks are in a cult or something.
Clem: Well, there are ancient ways. Clowning, as an occupation, grew out of the commedia del'arte, and ancient sports of course...
Uncle Rory: The thing is, if you expect Xander to raise his kids in some kinda foreign-talkee bow-to-the-eastee kinda cult --
Tentacle Demon: So you think the children should be raised in ignorance of our ways?
Cousin Carol: No, no. The Harrises are very broad-minded. We're Episcopalians.
Xander: How do I look?
Buffy: Let's see. We found your shoes and your fly is zipped up. I'd say you're ready to get married. You're one of the decent ones, Xander. I hope I get as lucky as you guys someday.
Xander: You want to get lucky? I've still got what? Fifteen, twenty minutes?
Buffy: Alright, into the breech with you.
Xander: Okay, breech me. Now, let's go over the checklist one more time. Number one?
Buffy: Don't let your dad near the bar.
Xander: Check. Number two?
Buffy: Don't let your mom near the bar.
Buffy: Wait, Spike brought a date?
Dawn: Yeah. Wait till you see her.
Dawn: Xander, one of Anya's presents got loose!
Xander: Got loose?
Old Man: It sounds crazy, I know, but you have to believe me- I'm Xander Harris. I'm you.
Clem: Does this jerk ever shut up?
Tentacle Demon: He's making my suckers twitch.
Buffy: Mazaltov!
Mr. Harris: Hey, what's this?
Buffy: You must me so happy for Xander on his special, once in a lifetime day, Mr. Harris.
Mr. Harris: Nice chassis. What's under the hood?
Buffy: I could really go for a strong cup of coffee. Hey, let's get you one too.
Mr. Harris: Say... do you own a sorta square, pinkish purse?
Buffy: I did.
Mr.Harris: Thought so. How about we slip into the back room and I show you my --
Buffy: Finish that sentence and I guarantee you won't have anything to show.
Xander: Buffy needed me. I had to help.
Anya: Well it didn't save her, did it? All it did was ruin our lives.
Anya: What did you expect? You never came near me after Buffy -
Xander: Don't bring her into this -
Anya: Fine. Forget her. Maybe you were just born to be a bitter, angry old man.
Spike: Hello, Buffy.
Buffy: Hey.
Spike: Happy occasion. You meet my friend?
Buffy: Haven't met. She seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.
Spike: Is it working?
Buffy: Yes. It doesn't change anything, but if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts.
Spike: I'm sorry. Or... Good! You want us to go?
Buffy: No, no... I mean, you have the right to... I mean I pretty much deserve...
Spike: That's not true, you... God this is hard.
Buffy: I know.
Spike: I think we'll go.
Buffy: Go where? To your place?
Spike: Yeah I suppose... that was the idea.
Buffy: Yeah.
Spike: Evil.
Buffy: Of course.
Spike: But I won't. Or I... I'll just go. Give em my best or whatever. The happy couple.
Buffy: I will.
Spike: It's nice, watching you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, um... you glow.
Buffy: That's because my dress is radioactive. I should...
Spike: Yeah... But it hurts.
Buffy: Yeah.
Spike: Thanks.
Buffy: Welcome.
Willow: It's a good thing I realized I was gay. Cause otherwise, hey, you, me and formal wear... You know how much I love you?
Xander: Mmmm... bout half as much as I love you?
Willow: Ready for the long walk?
Xander: Um... can you give me a sec? I want to go over my vows.
Willow: Take your time. Not like they can start the wedding without you.
Anya: I promise to cherish you... Eew, no! Cherish? I promise to have sex with you whenever... I want, and pledge to be your friend and you wife and your confidant, and your sex poodle and --
Tara: Sex poodle?
Anya: Yeah, why?
Tara: Uh, I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows.
Anya: Huh.
Willow: He's gone. Xander's disappeared.
Buffy: Sorry about that. Uh, it looks like there's going to be a little delay.
Anya: Why? What's wrong?
Buffy: Nothing, nothing. Just, um, the, uh, minister! He's got to go perform an emergency... C-section and, uh --
Anya: A C-section?
Buffy: Oh yes, he's a doctor as well as a minister. He's like, half-minister, half-doctor. A mini-tor. Not, of course, to be confused with a minotaur! Because he's all man, this minister-doctor man, no bull parts, whatsoever.
Anya: Uh-huh.
Buffy: So anyway, it oughta just be a couple of minutes.
Anya: Okay. Okay, this is the last time. Ahem, I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because I love you and I always will. Before I met you, I was, like, a different person. Not even a person really... and I had seen what love did to people. It was hurt. And sadness. Alone was better. And then suddenly there was you, and you knew me, you saw me, and it was this... thing. You make me feel warm, and safe. So I get it now, I finally get love, Xander. I really do.
Karen: I'm bored.
Cousin Carol: It's a wedding, honey. We're all bored.
Anya: I am sorry, but what the hell is that minister thinking?
Tara: I don't know, he --
Anya: Delivering a baby on my special day! It's totally rude of him and the mother. He should have just told her to hold it!
D'Hoffryn: Halfrek, you know I love all my demons equally.
Anya: This bride waits for no one. If the minister's not here yet, well, we'll just have to get married without a minister!
Anya: Xander is gone? Xander is missing? WHAT DO YOU MEAN XANDER IS MISSING!
Anya: You tell me, Old Man! You tell me why he left!
Old Man: Why? He left because of you.
Anya: I - I didn't do anything.
Anya: I'm... I'm so glad you're back. It's all lies; what he showed you, it was all made up! He just wanted to break us apart.
Xander: Oh, it... it doesn't matter now.
Xander: It's dead.
Buffy: Yep.
Wedding Guests: * Cheers *
Willow: Anyone else waiting for it to go 'poof'? Maybe we can cover it with flowers.
Anya: You know, it's bad luck for you to see me in my dress. Hey, it's okay. It's all over. He's dead. And it was just smoke and mirrors.
Xander: I know.
Anya: So, we're ready now. Let's go get married.
Xander: I... I'm not. I'm not ready. I can't. Ahn, I'm sorry.
Anya: But it wasn't real. What he showed you, it wasn't --
Xander: I know it wasn't. But - it could be.
Anya: What was it? Was it about me? He wants you to hate me, Xander -
Xander: It wasn't you I was hating - I've had thoughts, fears before this. Maybe we went too fast -
Anya: Everyone has 'thougths' Xander. It's natural - it doesn't mean getting married is wrong -
Xander: I know, I know - but -
Anya: You're just shaken up, okay? Just calm down and then we'll start over. Okay?
Xander: But we can't start over. If this is a mistake. It's forever. And I don't want to hurt you... Not that way. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Dawn: I thought they were happy.
Buffy: They were. I know they were. They were my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train.
D'Hoffryn: Are you okay?
Anya: I'm tired of crying. I'm just so tired, D'Hoffryn.
D'Hoffryn: Oh, Anyanka. I'm sorry. You let him domesticate you. When you were a vengeance demon you were powerful, at the top of your game. You crushed men like him. It's time you got back to what you do best, don't you think?