Bargaining Pt 1
Spike: I'm never gonna get anything killed with you lot holding me back.
Tara: I thought the big ones were supposed to tire more easily.
Spike: No, that's the over-the-hill shopkeepers.
Giles: I'm fine. I just need to die for a minute.
Tara: It's sorbis root. It was supposed to confuse him, but it just kind of made him peppy. It's not supposed to mix with anything - do you think he might be taking prescription medication?
Spike: Yeah, that MUST be it.
Giles: Good god, I hope he doesn't try to operate heavy machinery.
Willow: Try to drive him toward the Van Elton crypt.
Tara: Is that the one with the cute little gargoyle?
Buffybot: Big, fast, and dumb. Just the way Iike 'em.
Xander: Great googly moogle, Willow. Would you quit doing that?
Spike: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea?
Buffybot: That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo.
Spike: What's with the Dadaism, Red?
Buffybot: I think it's funny.
Willow: And I got her off those knock-knock jokes.
Buffybot: Ooh, who's there?
Buffybot: You know, if we want her to be exactly, she'll never be exactly, the only real Buffy is really Buffy, and she's gone, who?
Willow: I think there's a clog-eating monster under the bed. It's really those lesser-known monsters that make living in Sunnydale so hard.
Xander: House of chicks, relax. I'm a man, and I have a tool...
*Pause*
Xander:...Tools. Lots of plural tools, in my, uh, toolbox. Ah! Sandwiches. Excellent. Men like sandwiches.
Willow: And you're her sweet cookie-face.
Xander: I go by many names.
Buffybot: I don't think I know of a breed of humans this small. Who's going to live here?
Anya: Are you mad at me?
Giles: Mad? No, I'm... I'm...
Anya: Well then why are you tormenting me? You know, I used to punish people like this when I was a demon. I made them double-check spreadsheets for all eternity.
Anya: I was being patient, but it took too long.
Spike: I'm not leaving you to get hurt. Not again.
Buffybot: You can run away now... Not you!
Vamp: You're... you're... you're, you're a machine!
Buffybot: Thank you!
Buffybot: Vampires... beware.
Tara: You found the last known Urn of Osiris on eBay?
Anya: Yeah, from this deseert gnome in Cairo. He drove a really hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited-edition Backstreet Boys lunchbox for a...
Xander: *Cough*
Anya: A friend.
Xander: It's time? Like, TIME time?! With the... timeliness?
Anya: Discovery Channel has monkeys. And our tape machine's all wonky...
Xander: Excuse me? Who made you boss of the group?
Anya: You did.
Tara: You said Willow should be boss.
Anya: And then you said 'let's vote,' and it was unanimous.
Tara: ...and then you made her this little plaque that said 'Boss of Us', you put little sparkles on it...
Xander: Valid points all.
Xander: Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. Do we A: congratulate ourselves on a job well done...?
Willow: Xander, this isn't zombies.
Anya: Zombies don't eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie masters. Lots of people get that wrong.
Buffybot: I think my feet are broken.
Buffybot: Sorry I questioned you, Spike. You know I admire your brain almost as much as your washboard abs.
Vamp: A robot, yeah! And I kicked her synthetic ass. You shoulda seen the sparks...
Willow: Adonai, Helomi, Pine. Adonai, Helomi, Pine. The gods do command thee from thy majesty. O Mappa Laman, Adonai, Helomi. Come forward, blessed one. Know you calling. Come forward, blessed one. Accept our humble gratitude for you offering. In death... you give life. May you find wings to the kingdom.
Anya: Well, it must be something pretty intense. The black market's all baby teeth and spooky fluids.
Willow: Oh, you got butterflies, baby?
Tara: More like bats.
Anya: You want to look at the money? I find it always calms me.
Xander: I've gone. Not one for long good-byes. I thought it best to slip out quietly. Love to you all, Giles.
Anya: We brought you some lovely parting gifts. It's American. Get it? Apple pie? To remind you of all the good food you won't be eating.
Tara: And a monster - sort of a Sunnydale souvenir, we thought. Grr, aargh!
Anya: I'll take really good care of your money.
Willow: Osiris, keeper of the gate, master of all fate, hear us. Before time, and after. Before knowing and nothing. Accept our offering. Know our prayer. Osiris! Here lies the warrior of the people. Let her cross over.
Anya: Oh god, what is that noise?
Razor: Slayer. I've been hearing interesting things about you.
Buffybot: Yes. I am interesting. These your friends?
Razor: They're my boys, yeah.
Buffybot: Good. Now tell them to get back on their loud bicycles and go back wherever they came from.
Razor: Or what? You'll eletrocute us.
Razor: You're nothing but a toy. A pretty toy. Wanna play?
Buffybot: I would but you've injured me. I have to return to Willow.
Buffybot: Willow! I need service!