The Killer In Me
Giles: "Oh, Dawn, Vi has left her notebook on the mantlepiece. Would you mind running it out to the car?"
Dawn: "Sure."
Giles: "While you're at it, smack her in the head with it and remind her not to leave it lying around."
Dawn: "On it."
Giles: "Do you think they appreciate the gravity of what we're undertaking? It's frightening and it's difficult. And then apparently someone told them that the vision quest consists of me driving them into the desert, doing the hokey-pokey, until a spooky Rasta-mama Slayer arrives and speaks to them in riddles."
Buffy: "That's not exactly how I put it."
Anya: "You should probably let Molly out of the trunk. I never actually realized just how compact Molly could be..."
Buffy: "Giles is off on the retreat."
Spike: "It'll give us all a chance for a breather, eh?"
Buffy: "From Giles?"
Spike: "From the constant pitter-patter of clomping teenage girlie feet."
Buffy: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Buffy: "I enjoy my responsibility as mentor, role model, life guide... oh, my god! I can't believe I have my bathroom all to myself for two whole days."
Spike: "It's like a bloody warzone up there. And not in a good way."
Spike: "Buffy..."
Buffy: "What?"
Spike: "Ow."
Buffy: "Ow?... What's wrong? Spike, what is going on?"
Spike: "The chip! God... why would..."
Willow: "Hey, how is he?"
Buffy: "In the goes part of 'comes and goes'."
Willow: "Well, there seems to be a definite lack of screaming. That has to be good."
Buffy: "You'd think."
Willow: "Spike's chip? Well, I remember trying to dig up stuff then but... turns out when a secret government agency studies vampires and puts chips in their brains that keep them from hurting people, they don't really build web sites. Why?"
Buffy: "Remember when things used to be nice and boring?"
Willow: "No."
Willow: "For someone who's sick, you look surprisingly robust... and casual-dressy."
Kennedy: "You're sexy when you pout."
Willow: "And, wait, you just assume that I'm... that I'm gay? I mean, presume much?"
Kennedy: "Okay, sorry. How long have you enjoyed having sex with women?"
Willow: "Hey! What? You think you have some kind of like special lesbidar or something?"
Kennedy: "Okay, you know there's a better word for that, right?"
Kennedy: "The fun part is the process. Of getting to know a girl. It's like... it's like flirting in code. It's using body language and laughing at the right jokes and... and looking into her eyes and knowing she's still whispering to you even when she's not saying a word. And that sense that if you could just touch her, just once, everything would be okay. For both of you. That's how you can tell... Or if she's really hot, you just get her drunk, see if she comes on to you."
Buffy: "There's gotta be a reason why the chip is going all wonky. Maybe it's related to the trigger... or maybe it has something to do with the new soul."
Spike: "Or maybe I wasn't meant to last this long. One more thing you and I have in common, eh, pet?"
Spike: "Who're you gonna call?... God, that phrase is never going to be usable again, is it?"
Buffy: "Yes. Agent Finn. Riley. Tell him we're having a problem with Spike's chip... No, his chip... Spike."
Spike: "Listen, pet..."
Buffy: "No, no, Finn is his last name. Yes... Well, did he used to work there and maybe he got transferred or... oh. Is this actually a flower shop or is this one of those thing where I'm supposed to play along to show I know it's really Secret Ops?... Maybe I shouldn't have said that... Okay, right. Well if some guy named Finn shows up to buy flowers... yeah. Thanks... Wrong number. Or a giant government conspiracy. One of those."
Kennedy: "I like the way you speak. It's interesting. And your freckles - lickable. I'm not so into the magick stuff - seems like fairy tale crap to me - but it matters to you. You care about it, so it's cool."
Willow/Warren: "Well, that was nice."
Andrew: "You're back..."
Willow/Warren: "No, I'm not. It's not. I'm not it! Listen to me."
Andrew: "No more listening! I know who you are now. I know what you made me do. Your promises of happy fields and dancing schnauzers and being demigods won't work on me anymore."
Andrew: "Oh, my god. You're back!"
Willow/Warren: "Hey! Bad touching. Could everyone just stop. It's me!"
Willow/Warren: "There are other stories from kindergarten - non-yellow crayon stories - in which you don't come out in such a good light. An incident involving Aquaman Underoos, for example. You want me to start talking?"
Willow/Warren: "I did it. I'll fix it. And I don't want you seeing me this way, anyway."
Buffy: "It's kind of late for that."
Spike: "The chip fired again."
Buffy: "I kinda figured."
Kennedy: "You turned into a guy! I mean, if you take a step back, seriously, there's a certain element of humor here, right?... Well, a really, really big step."
Spike: "Are you sure you still want to go back in this place with me?"
Buffy: "Eh. Nothing good on TV tonight."
Andrew: "I'll get it! I'm supposed to get a call when the new League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comes in. I gave them this number."
Xander: "Oh, can you see if you can get two?"
Andrew: "Summer's residence, this is Andrew speaking. How can I help you?"
Xander: "Loser."
Xander: "Because if you wanted to infiltrate the inner circle of the Slayer..."
Anya: "... you become the one person she trusts more than anybody else."
Dawn: "But there's no way that we can know..."
Andrew: "Actually, that's not true. The First can't take corporeal form so it can't touch anything."
Anya: "Well, it's not like Giles hasn't touched anything, right? Has anyone seen Giles touch anything since he got back? Hold anything? Has anybody hugged him? Think very hard."
Xander: "You're not coming."
Andrew: "What? Why? Cause I used to be evil?"
Xander: "No, actually, because you're annoying. But that's a good reason, too."
Andrew: "Okay, well, if you leave me here alone, I'll do something evil. Like... burning something. Or gluing things together."
Anya: "For crying out loud, Harris, let's just take him. At least we can keep an eye on him."
Willow/Warren: "Wow, look at you guys. Campus Wiccans. I guess you got past the whole bake sale phase."
Vaughne: "No, we still do those, too. Second Tuesday of every month."
Amy: "It didn't work?"
Willow/Warren: "No, it didn't, you dumb bitch!"
Kennedy: "Willow..."
Amy: "You... you slapped me."
Willow/Warren: "No. I didn't. It wasn't me. It was Warren."
Xander: "He might know we're coming."
Anya: "Which means we're already too late and we're heading out to the middle of nowhere."
Dawn: "With no Slayer, no powerful witch..."
Anya: "Just a teenager, a powerless former demon and two big geeks."
Andrew: "Okay, license plate game maybe?"
Willow/Warren: "Look at me. Crying like a girl."
Kennedy: "How did you know who I was?"
Amy: "Oops."
Dawn: "I feel him! I feel him!"
Xander: "Me, too."
Andrew: "Me, too!"
Giles: "We all feel each other. Including som of us who don't know each other well enough to take such liberites, thank you. I assume there's a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation here."
Anya: "We thought you might be non-corporeal evil."
Giles: "Now wait a minute. You think I'm evil if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and don't touch them?"
General: "Ms. Summers. Agent Finn reported that you tried to contact him earlier today."
Buffy: "I knew it! Government conspiracy."
General: "He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We're to provide you anything you need to help Assface here... Those were his exact words, ma'am."
General: "Agent Finn said it was your call, ma'am."
Buffy: "My... what was my call?"
General: "All decisions regarding Hostile 17 are to be left in your hands. This chip. We can either repair it... or remove it."
Kennedy: "Okay, and that's magick crazy talk for what?"
Amy: "I put a hex on her."
Kennedy: "I got that part. But why Warren? And why did it happen after we kissed?"
Amy: "Oh, that's rich. That must've been some kiss. You must be good."
Kennedy: "Answer me."
Amy: "The hex I cast lets the victims's subconscious pick the form of their punishment. It's always better than anything I can come up with. Elegant, you know?"
Amy: "This is not about hate. It's about power. Willow always had all the power, long before she even knew what to do with it. Just came so easy for her. The rest of us - we had to work twice as hard to be half as good. But no one cares about how hard you work. They just care about cute, sweet Willow. They don't know how weak she is. She gave in to evil - stuff worse than I can even imagine. She almost destroyed the world! And yet everyone keeps on loving her. So what's wrong with having a little fun, huh? Taking her down a peg or two?"
Kennedy: "Fun? She's disappearing - fading away in that creep - and you think it's fun?"
Amy: "It was just a game. It's not my fault she's losing herself."
Kennedy: "Well, that was a hell of a thing."
Willow/Warren: "I'm being punished. I kissed you, just for a second, but it was just enough. I let her go. I didn't mean to."
Kennedy: "Kissing me didn't mean th-"
Willow/Warren: "No, she was never gone. She was with me. We should have been forever... and I... I let her be dead. She's really dead. And I killed her."
Kennedy: "This is just magick and I think I'm figuring the whole magick thing out... It's just like fairy tales."