Andrew: "Oh! Hello there, gentle viewers. You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? The adventure and heroics and discovery... don't they just take you away? Hmm. Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind, a little tale I like to call Buffy, A Slayer of the Vampires. It was cold last night and the wind was cruel but the Slayer had a job to do... Unfortunately, vampires have a job to do, too. Ouch. My goodness. Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready - ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn."
Anya: "What are you doing?"
Andrew: "Entertaining and educating."
Anya: "Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?"
Andrew: "Hey, why do vampires show up on video?"
Andrew: "'She was a woman in danger... or was she?'"
Andrew: "But it's a valuable record. An important document for the ages. A Slayer in action."
Buffy: "A nerd in pain. Would they like that? Cause we could do that."
Anya: "Why were you videotaping yourself anyway? Sounds like kinky business to me."
Andrew: "The world in going to want to know about Buffy. It's a story of ultimate triumph tinged with bitterness for what has been lost in the struggle. It's a legacy for future generations."
Anya: "Buffy seems to think this apocalypse is going to actully be, you know, apocalyptic."
Andrew: "Now, this whole thing is being orchestrated by something called The First. It's made up of all the evil in the whole world. Oh, there's also these guys. They work for The First. We don't know much about them except for they're very ugly and they're very mobile for blind people. Is that all clear?"
Andrew: "It's morning in Sunnydale and the women of Command Central take the time to fortify themselves for the day ahead."
Andrew: "Women and Xander. Hey, I'm going to do your special intro later. The man who is the heart of the Slayer machine."
Xander: "Yeah? The heart?"
Andrew: "Buffy and Spike have some kind of history. You can feel the heat between them although, technically as a vampire, he's room-temperature."
Rona: "If we save the world, it will be kind of nice to have a record of it."
Amanda: "And if we don't save the world, then... nothing matters."
Kennedy: "Hmm... that's catchy, Amanda. Let's make that our slogan."
Andrew: "Honestly, gentle viewers, these motivating speeches of hers tend to get a little long. I'll take you back in there in a little while but in the in-between-time, I thought you might want to know a little about me, your humble host. You see, I'm a man with a burden, a man with a dark past. You see, I was once a supervillian."
Andrew: "Warren was cool. And wasn't Jonathan just the cutest thing?"
Andrew: "Hey, I think Buffy's stopped talking. That usually means she had to go to work."
Wood: "So what? It's like hell's a-bustin out all over?"
Andrew: "Look at the fine work Xander did replacing the window sash. You can't even tell it's new, it blends in so well. He's extraordinary."
Buffy: "It's the seal thing in the basement. It's like all the Hellmouth's energy is trying to escape from that one little spot and it's getting all..."
Buffy: "Careful. You're starting to speak like me now."
Andrew: "This is Xander and Anya interview number one for Buffy: A Slayer of the Vampires."
Xander: "That's what you're calling it?"
Andrew: "Either that or Buffy: The Slayer Who Knew No Fear."
Xander: "I like that one."
Wood: "Evil is what evil does, right? And I know what you're doing. You're with that vampire. Screwing that vampire. You filthy whore!"
Spike: "I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera. And here you are again with that thing in my face. Sod off fore I rip your throat out and eat it-"
Andrew: "Spike, the light was kinda behind you..."
Spike: "Oh, right. This better, then?"
Wood: "We just spent the day keeping the lid on a war."
Andrew: "Oh. That would be very exciting on tape."
Andrew: "We're fugitives, haunted by our past, tormented by a message we don't understand."
Jonathan: "We're hunted me, driven mad by forces beyond our understanding."
Andrew: "We're men of faded power, tortured from within by a voice out of nowhere."
Jonathan: "I don't deserve this. I wasn't even that evil.'
Andrew: "I thought you were evil."
Wood: "Tell us about the seal."
Andrew: "But it tickles and I'm all tense. Can't I have a cool refreshing Zima?"
Buffy: "No Zima!"
Buffy: "Andrew. Stop it or I'm goign to smash this camera over your head. Actually, I'm going to do that anyway so you might as well talk."
Andrew: "Pretty knife. Except... the stabbing. I don't think I can do it. Jonathan has been a good friend to me here in Mexico. He said he'll buy me a burro."
Willow: "You put your old murder weapon in with our utensils?"
Andrew: "I washed it."
Buffy: "The riot that almost happened."
Wood: "Looks to me like it happened after all."
Spike: "Looks to me like it's still happening."
Andrew: "Oh, god! Struck down before I achieve redemption..."
Andrew: "I... I just want the world to see what you do."
Buffy: "What I do is too important to show to the world."
Andrew: "Oh, I like that."
Buffy: "You just completely changed your entire story!"
Andrew: "Did not."
Xander: "That was nice."
Anya: "It certainly was, you carpenter, you."
Xander: "It's too bad Buffy took Spike's chains dow, huh?"
Anya: "You said it."
Andrew: "She is like a woman fighting for more than life. She fights like fighting is her life. It is the air she breathes and she knows she will win because there is no alternative."
Buffy: "Stop! Stop telling stories. Life isn't a story."
Andrew: "Sorry, sorry."
Buffy: "Shut up. You always do this. You make everything into a story so no one's responsible for anything because they're just following a script."
Andrew: "It stopped."
Buffy: "It didn't want blood. It wanted tears."
Andrew: "You weren't really going to stab me, were you?"
Buffy: "I wasn't going to stab you."
Andrew: "What if the tears didn't work?"
Wood: "She got it done."
Spike: "Always has."
Wood: "So far."
Andrew: "Here's the thing. I killed my best friend. There's a big fight coming and I don't know what's going to happen. I don't even think I'm going to live through it. That's probably the way it should be. I guess I..."
* he turns off the camera *