Harm's Way
Promo Audio Announcer: Welcome to the Los Angeles branch of Wolfram & Hart. We're the oldest and most powerful law firm in the city. Founded in 1791 on ground deconsecrated by the blood of mass murderer Mathias Pavayne, Wolfram & Hart has put roots down in this glamorous city that grows deep, and branches that reach right into the heart of every major corporation, including Yoyodyne, Weyland Yutani, and Newscorp. That captain of industry? We own his soul... That fabulous movie queen? She owes us her first born... But times change, and Wolfram & Hart is changing right along with them. Under our new C.E.O. Angel, we're focusing less on power and more on using that power for good. We have a zero tolerance policy for killing, and that includes you, vampires... That better be pig's blood, mister. Yes, our esteemed president has made it clear that this is a new company for the new millennium, and he wants to work with you.
Angel: If you don't kill, we won't kill you.
Promo Audio Announcer: That's right, no more employee sacrifices. At Wolfram & Hart, you're part of a family now. You can work your way up the ladder, and there will always be a hand to help you up it. Every life... and unlife... is as important to our new management as their own. So go ahead, relax, and enjoy your new Wolfram & Hart family. Because at our firm, everyone matters... You matter... Buddy, you're going places.
Harmony: Hello, fellow grunts.
Dan: You just can't... There are rules.
Harmony: Oh, I know. It's so unfair. Just because my boss is your boss's boss, his needs coming first and all... See ya.
Harmony: Swung by the cleaners. Zippo luck getting out the Frophla slime.
Angel: Achite vong mochzinite (click).
Harmony: Y'Ok. Could you spell that?
Language Instruction Tape: Greetings, your eminence. Let me take your staff. Lopenghote vong. (click).
Angel: My clicks are all wrong.
Harmony: Good morning, Wolfram... Ow!... I'm sorry. Wrong extension. You need 529 for curses. Foiled again, huh?
Harmony: What Eli did on his own tim...
Gunn: Is dismember virgins.
Harmony: Oh. Well, a person's religious beliefs is no cause fo...
Gunn: He did it for his own amusement.
Harmony: Oh. Well... Okay. Still, couldn't you have given him a stern warning or something first?
Angel: Called a zero tolerance policy, not a 'maybe this once' policy.
Gunn: Hardest part of the job, terminating an employee.
Spike: Once again, keeping corporate America safe from evil.
Spike: You're welcome to that heroic destiny, whether you deserve it or not. Me, I got better things to do than wait around for the four bloody horsemen.
Spike: Any message for Buffy?
Angel: Tell her you're a moron.
Lorne: Well, bon voyage, Spikester. Don't be a stranger.
Harmony: What?... I don't get a good-bye just because I went crazy and tried to rip your throat out while we were having sex?
Spike: Keep it simple, Harm. It suits you.
Angel: This is war. Two demon clans, the Vinjis and the Sahrvin. They've been battling it out for five generations.
Gunn: Way back when, clans got along okay. Shared a few hundred miles of desert, traded livestock, and even partied together once in a while. Then a Vinji used the wrong fork at a Sahrvin bonding ceremony. Sahrvins took offense, and they've been slaughtering each other since.
Fred: So you're saying this whole thing started over a fork faux pas?
Gunn: They're pretty finicky about manners.
Fred: That makes sense, in a kind of gray, Machiavellian way.
Angel: Foolproof?
Fred: I'd say yes, but then some fool would just come along and sneak something past us, but it's still state of the art.
Fred: So, aside from forks, ankles, and us not knowing what they're saying, any other potential minefields?
Angel: All their etiquette issues go along with a healthy dose of superstition.
Girl #1: Burkle's always giving Mr. Gunn the eye. Heard they used to be a thing.
Girl #2: I don't know. Alice said she and that Knox guy are pretty friendly.
Girl #1: Maybe she's sleeping with both of em!
Girl #2: That's what I'd do.
Harmony: Don't forget about Wesley. I get the vibe that he's, like, totally crushing over Fred.
Girl #1: Mr. Wyndam-Pryce? Everyone knows he'...
Angel: Harmony, uh, got us a camel.
Harmony: I tried being out on my own, all independent and evil. I'm just no good at it.
Fred: But, I mean, isn't that a good thing?
Fred: Why am I telling you this?
Harmony: Because we're totally bonding! We're like gal pals! This is awesome! You can teach me about life, and I can teach you how to dress better.
Fred: I... Wait, why is everyone at the office so interested in who I might be dating?
Harmony: I gravitate more towards the undead variety.
Fred: Well, there's your problem. The undead, they're not exactly givers.
Harmony: Uh... Tim? Trevor? George? Apparently you and I... you know, and I'm sure I rocked your world and all, but... I gotta go to work, so... Hello?... Oops.
Harmony: Oh, crapola!
Angel: Blood?
Harmony: Where?!
Dan: You did it again!
Harmony: It's not my fault!
Dan: What?
Harmony: Uh... You can't blame me because Angel gets grumpy when he's hungry.
Harmony: Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
Wes: And the police called you because...
Angel: Apparently, we own them.
Angel: We're gonna have to do some serious damage control.
Gunn: You think? Demon rights activist gets murdered by a vamp on our watch?
Harmony: He tole me he was an astronaut.
Angel: Look, just tell them that the summit can proceed as planned, and they shouldn't, you know, start skinning each other.
Angel: Veel mahnkshay (click) Be disemboweled.
Vinji Leader: Filthy man whore! How dare you! Yo...
Gunn: Uh, uh, han tafka mahnkchne. Baybay porro akei nah poprikay. Komgrat? (click) He meant, be patient! The whore man is a novice in your tongue and makes foolish errors. We make fun of him, yes?
Lorne: Yeah, well, I'm talking first-degree murder. Yeah, mine, if these demons find out we're short four gift bags.
Fred: He can help.
Harmony: He's not a helper. He's a chopper. He'll cut my head off before I get two word...
Harmony: I'm not a killer!... Well, I am, but I've been clean for eight months... except for today, but that is different because it's not me!
Angel: They want a blood sacrifice? Harmony!
Harmony: It is so totally obvious you hate me!... You've probably been watching me sweat all day, laughing!
Dan: Hate you? I don't care about you enough to hat...
Harmony: Hey! It was you!... Who are you?
Tamika: Think steno pool... I sat next to you.
Harmony: Sambuca.
Tamika: Tamika!
Harmony: Right!
Tamika: Well, you were only there for, what was it? Five weekds?
Harmony: More like 4 1/2.
Tamika: I have been there for five years! I type 80 words a minute. I have an exceptionally pleasant phone voice. But you're the one who sits at the best desk in the building. You're the one in the in-crowd.
Harmony: You think I'm in the in-crowd?
Harmony: I should've smelled you!
Tamika: You would have if you wore less of that tacky perfume!
Harmony: Chanel's not tacky!
Harmony: That is just... ugh! I am so gonna kick your ass!
Tamika: Dust can't kick!
Tamika: You want to know the first thing I'm gonna do when I get your desk? Smash all those stupid, ugly-ass unicorns!
Harmony: I didn't mean to do that yet.
Vinji Leader: Quid uab an. Tacha (click click) Works for me.
Sahrvin Leader: Kye glau mmm. I'm good.
Harmony: I'm really, really sorry, you guys. I totally wouldn't have it you over the head and put you in the closet if I didn't have a really good reason. It's just... I was scared, and... I know you never wanted me as your assistant, and... Okay, I made some bad choices. I mean, it's not like I have a soul. I have to try a lot harder.
Harmony: But... what happened to Europe? Aren't you supposed to be slayer-chasing or something?
Spike: I was on my way. Had a boat ticket and all. Then I put a little thinking into it. A man can't go out in a bloody blaze of glory, save the world, and then show up three months later, tumbling off a cruise ship in the south of France. I mean, I'd love to, don't get me wrong, but, uh, it's hard to top an exit like that.
Harmony: Come on. Girls don't care about stuff like that. Just one look at you, and she'll forget herself, and she'll get all tingly, and it won't matter how horribly you treated her in the past and how you took her for granted, and...
Spike: I never took her for g... Oh. I expect Buffy would be happy enough to see me. It's just, I gave up my life for her, the world, and if I show up now, flesh and bone, my grand finale won't hold much weight. All of it... won't matter.
Spike: Oh, come on, Harm, you matter to someone.
Harmony: I do?
Spike: Yeah. Girl tried to frame you, didn't she? Must have mattered to her. Everybody's talking about it.
Harmony: You're right. That girl hated me. She wanted me dead. I matter.